The Cadillac of Manliness
S.S. Cuffing Season (The Relationship)

Autumn is approaching and it’s about to start getting colder so you want someone to cuddle up to. You’re dusting off the OK Cupid profile hoping to find someone to wear matching Scooby Doo costumes with you by Halloween or you’re hitting up the club just to be embraced by a guy named Gino who only communicates via blue tooth.
Sweaters are being put on and cuffing season is officially back in full swing. There are a few things to know though going in so you’ll have a lasting relationship and not be the guy/girl who only gets hit up at 3 AM every other Friday.

- DON’T put her on a pedestal 
Remember the story “Everybody Poops”? Same thing applies for relationships. That girl you exchanged numbers with may be awesome but she’s still human. She’s had some questionable c*cks in her mouth. She’s smoked cigarettes with toddlers present. She’s made a sex tape with the roadie for Staind. Whatever. Just know everybody has a past and not everyone lives a picket fences lifestyle. That’s OK. Respect that history because it led to where you are today. And you know you hit that hobo with your car while drunk driving, you’re not perfect either.

DON’T gas yourself up
You’re not that special. You’re unique because you’re the only you. Be that. You’re probably not the richest. You’re probably not the biggest. You’re probably not the first. But your significant other chose to be with you for a reason. Be that reason, don’t worry about the other stuff.

DON’T look for anything you don’t want to know
Curiosity killed the cat and can kill the relationship. If your s/o is acting weird and you’re curious why then ask. That doesn’t help all the time though because people have this ability to do this thing called “lying”. Just know if you plan to snoop through texts you should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. We all have our trust issues, that’s why Drake is a thing.

You’re taking on a project
People aren’t robots. You can’t program them into the way you want. Relationships are two individuals coming together to try their best whilst also having mediocre sex once a week. It’s OK not to like all of the same things. Have you met a dude who likes EVERYTHING his girlfriend likes? They have a freezer full of human toes. Your project isn’t going to be perfect. Be happy with what you got. Some things will change, some things won’t. We’re all stubborn and set in our ways to some extent. Embrace it, try your best to deal with it, attempt to fix it, or get out.

Remember everything, read into nothing
Not everything your s/o says has value or meaning. Some stories and characters in their life are just that. Parts of history that has molded him/her to who they are now. Remember it so you’ll know that’s why they do some of the stuff they do. People who have been cheated on will be a little more insecure. People who spent long amounts of time being single will need space sometimes. Keep it in the back of your brain but don’t add more to it than there should be.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT BODY COUNT
Sex is great, right? You like experiencing it. You did it before you met your hucklebuck unless you were a boring ass person. Well, they did too. They probably did a lot of weird butt stuff while getting tied up to horses. We all have different experiences in our 20’s. Are they clean and regularly go to the clinic? Then that’s what matters. Don’t let the body count hurt your relationship unless you’re getting a burning sensation below. Plus, now you have a sweet foot chokehold move to add to your repertoire. 

NEVER fully listen to their friends
They are HER friends first. They are there to make her look good to keep her happy or themselves happy. They will give you good advice because they know her well but they’re also there to protect her so think of talking to friends like Miranda Rights - anything you say can and will be used in the court of love (turns and winks at the camera). 

Recognize if you’re in love or in love with the idea of a person
You know those movies where the nerdy guy pines after his dream cheerleader and finally gets her and realizes she’s a bad person? That happens in real life too! We all have an image built up in our head of an ideal mate and sometimes you get that but fail to recognize that the person isn’t good for you. Don’t stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship simply because you think it’s what society has picked for you. That’s how you get a posthumous Lifetime movie made about you.

Well, hope you all enjoyed this read and your sitting-by-the-fireplace relationship is a little better now because of it. I expect wedding invites. I won’t come, but I like knowing I’m thought of.

Follow me on twitter - @martinMmorrow and check out these upcoming shows I’m performing in:
9/6, 9/13, & 9/20 (sketch) - Mutiny on the Short Bus @ 9 PM in Donny’s Skybox Theater at Second City
9/7 - Laugh Factory Chicago @ 8 PM
9/9 - Zanies Comedy Club @ 8:30 PM
9/12 - Shenannigans @ 7 PM
9/13 - Reggie’s @ 12 AM
9/19 - Improv Comedy Club in Schaumburg @ 8 PM
9/26-9/28 - Up Comedy Club opening for Carmen Lynch @ 8 & 10 PM
 

The Mixed Elbow

Since living in Chicago a lot of people have asked me if growing up in Alabama was difficult. I always say in certain aspects due to a close-minded nature regarding a lot of things. In high school I was kind of an outcast from most of the black kids because I “acted white” and I couldn’t date any of the white girls because I was “actually black.” It never was a matter of me not liking black girls too. I liked everybody. Just not everybody liked me and I was fine with that because I had great friends and masturbation like any teen boy would be sufficient with while growing a small chip on my shoulder as a result.

Once I got older I was able to date across the board. I dated girls of different ages, religions, and races because I found something attractive about them or was drunk enough to pretend. I found myself adhering to one unspoken rule as a black man that once you start dating attractive white women you can’t go back to the ones that perpetuate the stereotype that black dudes like fat white chicks. I solely blame fat white chicks for this one. There are more than enough white guys with sleeveless shirts who are willing to marry you over Jerome who has numbers for his nearest cross streets.
Either way I’ve always been a big supporter of interracial couples and enjoy the fact that in cities like Atlanta, Chicago and New York they don’t really think about race in relationships mostly because there are guys who regularly walk around with tattoos on their faces.

Recently back in Alabama it came under fire the question of interracial babies. What would you do with a biracial baby? Who would the child identify with? Wouldn’t the kid be ridiculed because s/he is a mix of black and white? Why hasn’t this caramel child melted in the sun yet? 
Some of my best and most successful friends are the products of interracial relationships (one has his own show on Adult Swim that you should watch). They live normal lives. If there is someone who has a problem with a biracial kid I would think that would speak volumes about that person, not the kid. Most of us are a mix of something anyways. My mom’s great grandfather is full Native American. I have Vietnamese cousins living in Detroit. They all managed to live happy, normal lives with people of different backgrounds. The first human bones were discovered in Africa so as much as you might hate to think about it, you probably got your wide nose from a dude the shade of midnight thousands of years ago.

If you can’t handle the thought of a mixed person take a second to think about the coolest human being in the universe- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
 

Let’s face it, The Rock has it all- looks, charm, humor, strength, and success. And he’s the product of racial intermingling! Was The Rock picked on for being mixed growing up? I don’t know- but name one person who may have bullied The Rock that is doing something meaningful with their life…… Exxxxxxactly. Now name something you’ve seen The Rock in. That’s right, ANYTHING WORTH WATCHING. Also, look at this dude’s smile. That would make any Klanswoman (or KKKaren) swoon! 

In the end, Dwayne Johnson is the perfect example of why a healthy and happy life can be had if it isn’t dictated by negativity due to the differences in race in one’s familial life. We all enjoy ice cream but it always tastes better with a little extra something. You can eat vanilla ice cream and it taste good but put some chocolate syrup on it and you have a special treat, jabroni. 

The Wedding Walk Blues

In the past two years I’ve had a lot of friends get married. Be it boredom, accidental pregnancies, religious reasoning, or actual love- they’ve all jumped the broom as urban romantic comedies would say. Within that time I’ve also seen a share of divorces. Be it also from boredom, accidental pregnancies, issues outside of the marriage, or falling out of actual love. Recently during a conversation with a coworker he mentioned how a 26 year old female acquaintance of his is going through a divorce after being married for a year and a half and then we all got into the subject of friends in marriages going through splits which led to a conversation of people getting married at a younger age and then we somehow got into a topic about titties (which are always awesome by the way).

Being from the south I have seen the “tradition” of tying the knot at an early age. A lot of girls get married after college to the guy they met at a frat party who didn’t roofie them. Some people get married straight out of high school because THAT’S ALL THEY HAVE. And some of my friends actually find someone who they feel is just right for them and things work out. Either way, settling down is the new settling in.

The issue here is that sometimes these people don’t really know themselves before starting a life with someone else. For ladies of the internet generation, you have to have what I call the “whore period”. It’s a natural phase where you discover yourself. You get drunk a lot, get a tattoo on your ribcage that you don’t really understand, you kiss a girl and listen to Lady Gaga because she’s “different”. You need to find who you are and what you like before you settle down…unless you really are just boring which is OK too even if you don’t want to admit it.
Guys need this too in a way but mostly because young guys who get into relationships early are HUGE pussies. Seriously, talk to a high school senior about his girlfriend. He’ll start crying midway through and then call her a bitch because he heard it in a Ludacris song. Now after two years of dating, this guy proposes out in a park because it looked romantic and he starts crying midway through and describing how beautiful she looked dancing to “Butterfly Kisses”. Then Johnny One-Piece-of-Ass over here meets a temptress female coworker who can suck three ways to Sunday and now he wants to pack up and move to Vegas.

A big part of relationships are pacing and time and when that is rushed because Beyonce made you put a ring on it you witness a calamity of epic proportion. In the end, we’re all dumb and selfish and we want someone to make us feel important forever. If you find the right person for you who likes your quirks and is OK with the fact that you’re going to get fat then hold on to that special someone. Most importantly you should sample the meal before popping the question because divorcees are depressing. People who have been cheated on are scarily depressing. People involved in an affair are delusional and depressing. And as your friend I’d much rather pretend to listen to your story about how he asked you to marry you while you were two months pregnant/how she cried when somethingsomething blahblahblah vs how you had to split up the DVD collection.

Thanks for reading and I hope I just saved some money that would have gone to another one-time use tuxedo instead of saved a date.

Lies Your Boyfriend Told You

Recently I was having a text message conversation with a female acquaintance when she said she had to stop because her boyfriend of a week would get mad. I’ve never met the reincarnation of Ike Turner and thought the premise was a bit silly but I can name 5 things I don’t care about that I have more of a concern over than Mr. Jealousy:

1. My goldfish from when I was 6
2. My blue sock I use to deflect wind from microphones
3. The random antenna sitting in my den
4. The milk jug I have yet to dispose of
5. My old phone everyone in 9th grade said looked like a vibrator

It actually took me time to think up most of those but the point I’m trying to make is how much some people invest into meaningless relationships forfeiting personal happiness and being cordial towards others. I’ve had plenty of friends in relationships and I’ve seen most of them do or say dumb things as a way showering the significant other with unwarranted compliments and pandering to their needs and bounds. I’ll direct you to a post I read recently on a social networking site: “One step closer to marrying the most amazing person in the world!!!” …Really? I’ve met some pretty cool people in my day. Not even bragging but I shook hands with Donald Trump- amazingly tall and arrogant but definitely not the most amazing person in the world and his salary more than quadruples that of a youth minister from Alabaster.
I think it’s great to be involved in a relationship but if it’s at the risk of losing sense of self and basically lying to yourself and that person to make them think they are THE most important in the world then they ride that high horse while serving me my latte at Starbucks. In past relationships I too have been guilty of saying a gal is the “most beautiful” or “most special” person in the world but there’s little you won’t say when you’re inside someone. Here are a few rules of engagement to establish next time you’re looking to make Mr./Mrs. Right feel that way but also need them level headed.

1)    1)   Instead of saying “you’re the most beautiful/handsome thing in the world”, use specificity. “You’re the most beautiful girl I can see in front of me right now” or “You’re the most gorgeous woman that actually likes me back.” This way she understands the rest of the world doesn’t think she’s that pretty and she learns to appreciate you that much more.

2)      2) Next time you tell him he’s hilarious, do it in a comparative way. I’ve met your boyfriend. He’s not that funny. He may be the funniest person at Kinko’s but lets not go making this guy Richard Pryor all of a sudden because he’s got “a killer racist joke”.

3)     3)  The most wonderful/amazing/greatest person in the world is not the person you’re dating/engaged to/having an affair with. If they were they wouldn’t be with you. Just a reality check. They’d be figuring out world crises, not wearing their sleeveless “Federal Boobies Inspector” t-shirt whilst cheering for The Panthers.

Well I hope in reading this you’ve learned a surefire way to not die empty inside. Set boundaries for your words in your relationships and maybe one day you will meet the best person ever…but probably not.

Identifying Your Crazy Boyfriend

We all know the saying that all women are crazy and all men are stupid. This is for the most part true. But we also know that there are a lot of crazy dudes out there- they’re called “guys in relationships”. There are three things men are driven by- money, power, and sex. You can have power without money. That’s why there are so many gangs. You can have money without power. Think of how many 89 year old dudes saved up their pennies. But with money and/or power there is always sex and when a guy has the potential to have regular sex anything that may come between that drives him insane. So here are some different identities to that guy who is charging you right now for reading another man’s blog:

The Lets-Go-Out Crazy Boyfriend: He put on his best Ed Hardy shirt. He’s sprayed his finest cologne. He doesn’t dance. He stands. He drinks. He watches. And he dares ANYONE to come and talk to his girl. At this point you as the girlfriend are basically fight bait. You know you’re going to get hit on. You put on a dress with one of your nipples casually hanging out. You did that on purpose because you have to justify in your head that guys still find you attractive nevermind the fact that you have Skylar FuckSomebodyUp standing 15 feet away from you having a Vietnam flashback in his head.
Solution: When he says let’s go to that new club Roofies, maybe suggest staying in and watching “Pretty In Pink” instead.

The My-Last-Girlfriend-Cheated-On-Me Crazy Boyfriend: “Waaaahhhh, my last girlfriend cheated on me and now I think you’re going to do the same so I want to keep you on a leash waaaahhhh.” “Waaaahhhh, I’m not comfortable with you having that one male friend waaaahhhh.” Meet your boyfriend who has his own styled vagina. You get caught in his trap and you can’t go out without him suspecting you of doing something.
Solution: Videotape yourself being boned by another dude. Maybe this wuss of a boyfriend will grow a pair instead of keeping you locked in the basement then your relationship can flourish.

The Deadbeat Crazy Boyfriend: This is the guy that smokes weed all day while you’re at work, lives for free on his bro’s couch, and always wants to make out in dive bars. He wears cut off jeans to show off his calve tattoos and insists that you smell his farts. You picked this charmer because he could play that Arcade Fire song on acoustic guitar with his cover band The Meat Dicks.
Solution: Hose him down!

The Wandering Eye Crazy Boyfriend: Know that guy whose voice goes super high pitch when you catch him in the act of doing something? Yeah, this is that annoying prick. He answers questions with questions and always swears to God.
Solution: Put on a Batman mask and yell “swear to me!”

The Sex Crazy Boyfriend: Let’s admit sex is great. Sex in moderation is good too. Forced sex is just scary. This is the type of guy who tells you to give him road head and kicks you out of the car because you won’t “finish him off and he has to go home like this.” Yeah, you’re the bad guy in this situation. Warning, this model boyfriend may come with a dragon tattoo and is prone to giving you a bruised rectal cavity.
Solution: RUN!

Hopefully you’ve learned something from this and know your boyfriend a little bit better now. If not, it’s never too late to change your name and move out of the state.

Manly Tip #1,342

On facebook if a girl’s status is listed as “in a relationship” it really means “ignore me”.