It’s halfway through the summer. You’ve been texting that girl you bought the whiskey-vodka-redbull shot for at O’McGallohan’s for a while/you’ve been chatting up that guy with the business degree who always talks about finances and financing and accounts and accounting or how he wants to show you his loft. You’re wondering if this is it. Have you found the person you’re going to settle down with and live a stable, comfortable life full of staged engagement photos to show your friends back home in Small Town, USA. Well here are 3 simple rules to follow before you embark on that quest of asking the age old awkward question of “soooo, what are we?”
- There is NO cuffing in the summer time
The summer is reserved for fun and exploration. This is a time to meet people and learn about yourself. If you’re already in a relationship then you’re fine, it’s special but if May/June/July rolls around and you’re trying to get exclusive then you’re doing both parties a disservice. If someone tried to break up with you in May then you should have seen that as a sign that they want to be free for the summer. Give them that space. If you can’t then you’re lost. Like the Frank Ocean song.
Sidenote: Ladies - If you’re dating a guy who always wants to go out for drinks on the weekends and always wants you to go with him then he’s using you as a patsy to start fights. Otherwise you’re not that attractive. If he’s not doing bro time or telling you to do girl time or just spending time at home, you’re basically his way of getting out years of wanting to fight dudes who look at his girl for too long. He’s crazy and will probably try to kill you.
Side-side note: Any guy that slicks back his hair is usually evil. You can’t spend that much time on yourself and ever feel concern or compassion about others.
Now you’re probably wondering when is it appropriate to go ahead and make yourselves the real deal - end of August or early September if you last that long. This is summer camp all over again, people. Some folks gotta go back to their respective schools so you have to be ready for when that moped rides away into the sunset away from your apartment. September comes around, go ahead and start picking out the matching Halloween costumes and throw away those condoms. You guys are about to enter baby making season.
- The Friend Factor
You’re going to mix and mingle a bit. You’re going to meet coworkers, friends, your new enemies, all that jazz. Here’s what you need to know - if he/she is a server, nurse, or elementary school teacher you will inevitably meet someone that they’ve hooked up with before. It’s your job not to be a Jealous Jerry. They’re with you now so don’t worry about it. The past fling is going to be the one with a gulp in their throat so you will easily be able to identify who it is. It’s now your job to be cool as a polar bear balls. Never ask about it, just be aware and be thankful they did whatever they did to screw up for you to be where you are. Now there’s going to be another character you’ll probably run into and that’s the "he’s like a brother." Here’s how “he’s like a brother” works. If a girl says, “he’s like a brother” that means they’ve known each other for a long time and bumped uglies once and it was a mistake or they laughed it off. If a guy says, “I’m like her brother” it means he’s woefully longed for her for a long time. He learned acoustic guitar so he could write a song in her honor and now that there’s a new man in her life he’s going to be insane. He’s going to try and intimidate you and do general psycho things that everyone but you has gotten used to. Let him get it out of his system and know he’ll probably die alone in a motel closet with a VHS tape and way too much heroin in his system.
- Wedding Bliss
You’re going to get invited to some weddings. Before you RSVP think of how well you know the parties, who all you know, and how fun it might be. Rich people weddings are fun (because..come on…YES! Right?! YES!). Poor people weddings are fun for the worse reasons (typically you get to see a groom in jeans and someone’s cousin is the photographer with one of those disposable wind-up cameras). Middle of the road weddings depend on who it is and what your role is. Consider this before inviting someone to be your plus one. You don’t want them thinking you’re lame based on the wedding company you keep.
Some people probably aren’t preparing to see any rice and doves. Maybe you’re a mistress. That’s cool, I’ve got advice for you too. If you’re with a guy who is married and he says he’s going to leave his wife for you and you believe him jump in front of the nearest semi-truck. I’m going to tell you you’ll survive but only because if you believe that he’s actually going to leave his wife for you you’ll also believe that you are Colossus and can survive the wrath of an 18-wheeler. You’ve entered your own Lifetime movie.
"But he said he loves me." Yeah, cause you do gross butt stuff his wife doesn’t do.
"But…I love him!" Yeah, because it’s an ego boost. The idea of I took this or this is mine now is fulfilling to some and you won’t want to give that up. If he’s got his steak and potatoes every day he’s going to get tired of it and will go to you for dessert. He’ll say anything he needs to say to keep you around and eating his ass like a birthday cake (*winks to people who have heard that joke. Shouts out upcoming shows. Kisses fingers, bows, and leaves to applause*).
Hope you enjoyed, soak all that in, and remember I’ll never steer you wrong.
Wednesday, July 17 - hosting Comedians You Should Know at 9 PM
Thursday, July 18 - You, Me, Them, Everybody Live at Hungry Brain at 9 PM
Saturday, July 20 - 2 Hour Comedy Hour at Gallery Cabaret at 7 PM
Wednesday, July 24 - Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria, IL at 8 PM