The Cadillac of Manliness
Summer Lovin’

It’s halfway through the summer. You’ve been texting that girl you bought the whiskey-vodka-redbull shot for at O’McGallohan’s for a while/you’ve been chatting up that guy with the business degree who always talks about finances and financing and accounts and accounting or how he wants to show you his loft. You’re wondering if this is it. Have you found the person you’re going to settle down with and live a stable, comfortable life full of staged engagement photos to show your friends back home in Small Town, USA. Well here are 3 simple rules to follow before you embark on that quest of asking the age old awkward question of “soooo, what are we?”

  1. There is NO cuffing in the summer time
     The summer is reserved for fun and exploration. This is a time to meet people and learn about yourself. If you’re already in a relationship then you’re fine, it’s special but if May/June/July rolls around and you’re trying to get exclusive then you’re doing both parties a disservice. If someone tried to break up with you in May then you should have seen that as a sign that they want to be free for the summer. Give them that space. If you can’t then you’re lost. Like the Frank Ocean song.
    Sidenote: Ladies - If you’re dating a guy who always wants to go out for drinks on the weekends and always wants you to go with him then he’s using you as a patsy to start fights. Otherwise you’re not that attractive. If he’s not doing bro time or telling you to do girl time or just spending time at home, you’re basically his way of getting out years of wanting to fight dudes who look at his girl for too long. He’s crazy and will probably try to kill you.
    Side-side note: Any guy that slicks back his hair is usually evil. You can’t spend that much time on yourself and ever feel concern or compassion about others.
    Now you’re probably wondering when is it  appropriate to go ahead and make yourselves the real deal - end of August or early September if you last that long. This is summer camp all over again, people. Some folks gotta go back to their respective schools so you have to be ready for when that moped rides away into the sunset away from your apartment. September comes around, go ahead and start picking out the matching Halloween costumes and throw away those condoms. You guys are about to enter baby making season.


  2. The Friend Factor
    You’re going to mix and mingle a bit. You’re going to meet coworkers, friends, your new enemies, all that jazz. Here’s what you need to know - if he/she is a server, nurse, or elementary school teacher you will inevitably meet someone that they’ve hooked up with before. It’s your job not to be a Jealous Jerry. They’re with you now so don’t worry about it. The past fling is going to be the one with a gulp in their throat so you will easily be able to identify who it is. It’s now your job to be cool as a polar bear balls. Never ask about it, just be aware and be thankful they did whatever they did to screw up for you to be where you are. Now there’s going to be another character you’ll probably run into and that’s the "he’s like a brother." Here’s how “he’s like a brother” works. If a girl says, “he’s like a brother” that means they’ve known each other for a long time and bumped uglies once and it was a mistake or they laughed it off. If a guy says, “I’m like her brother” it means he’s woefully longed for her for a long time. He learned acoustic guitar so he could write a song in her honor and now that there’s a new man in her life he’s going to be insane. He’s going to try and intimidate you and do general psycho things that everyone but you has gotten used to. Let him get it out of his system and know he’ll probably die alone in a motel closet with a VHS tape and way too much heroin in his system.


  3.  Wedding Bliss
    You’re going to get invited to some weddings. Before you RSVP think of how well you know the parties, who all you know, and how fun it might be. Rich people weddings are fun (because..come on…YES! Right?! YES!). Poor people weddings are fun for the worse reasons (typically you get to see a groom in jeans and someone’s cousin is the photographer with one of those disposable wind-up cameras). Middle of the road weddings depend on who it is and what your role is. Consider this before inviting someone to be your plus one. You don’t want them thinking you’re lame based on the wedding company you keep.
    Some people probably aren’t preparing to see any rice and doves. Maybe you’re a mistress. That’s cool, I’ve got advice for you too. If you’re with a guy who is married and he says he’s going to leave his wife for you and you believe him jump in front of the nearest semi-truck. I’m going to tell you you’ll survive but only because if you believe that he’s actually going to leave his wife for you you’ll also believe that you are Colossus and can survive the wrath of an 18-wheeler. You’ve entered your own Lifetime movie.
    "But he said he loves me." Yeah, cause you do gross butt stuff his wife doesn’t do.
    "But…I love him!" Yeah, because it’s an ego boost. The idea of I took this or this is mine now is fulfilling to some and you won’t want to give that up. If he’s got his steak and potatoes every day he’s going to get tired of it and will go to you for dessert. He’ll say anything he needs to say to keep you around and eating his ass like a birthday cake (*winks to people who have heard that joke. Shouts out upcoming shows. Kisses fingers, bows, and leaves to applause*). 

Hope you enjoyed, soak all that in, and remember I’ll never steer you wrong.

Upcoming Shows: 
Wednesday, July 17 - hosting Comedians You Should Know at 9 PM
Thursday, July 18 - You, Me, Them, Everybody Live at Hungry Brain at 9 PM
Saturday, July 20 - 2 Hour Comedy Hour at Gallery Cabaret at 7 PM
Wednesday, July 24 - Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria, IL at 8 PM
 

Upcoming Shows!!!

Friday, Jan. 25 - Sh!t Show at Shambles (2050 West Division Street, Chicago, IL 60622) at 8 PM

Friday, Jan. 25 - Chris Redd’s Redd Alert at The Playground Theater (3209 North Halsted Street, Chicago, IL 60657) at 10 PM

Saturday, Jan. 26 - OPENING NIGHT of Second City presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking inside Donny’s Skybox Theater (1616 North Wells Street, Chicago, IL 60614) at 9 PM *sketch*

Saturday, Jan. 26 - Cutz on Cuts Loft Party at MultiKulti (1000 North Milwaukee Avenue, Chicago, IL 60642) at 11 PM

Monday, Jan. 28 - Hosting The Chaser at Comedy Sportz Theater (929 West Belmont Avenue, Chicago, IL 60657) at 10 PM

Wednesday, Jan. 30 - Hosting Comedians You Should Know at Timothy O’ Toole’s (622 North Fairbanks Court, Chicago, IL 60611) at 9 PM

Thursday, January 31 - Comedy Central Showcase at Lincoln Lodge (4008 North Lincoln Avenue, Chicago, IL 60618) at 9 PM

Thursday, January 31 - Your Comedy Show at Lilly’s ( 2515 North Lincoln Avenue, Chicago, IL 60614) at 10 PM

Friday, February 1 - Lincoln Lodge at 9 PM

Friday, February 1 - Talk Hard at Comedy Sportz Theater *Mar’son and the FYF Crew* at 12 AM

Saturday, February 2 - Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM

Monday, February 4 - 100 Proof Comedy at Comedy Sportz Theater at 8 PM

Tuesday, February 5 - Hug City at Racine Plumbing (2642 N. Lincoln Ave.) at 9 PM

Friday, February 8 - Lincoln Lodge at 9 PM

Saturday, February 9 - Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM

Saturday, February 9 - Don’t Spit The Water! at The Playground Theater at 10 PM

Sunday, February 10 - REACH at Up Comedy Club at 9:30 PM *Mar’son & The FYF Crew* (230 W. North Ave. 3rd Floor Chicago, IL)

Monday, February 11 - 100 Proof Comedy DVD TAPING! at Comedy Sportz Theater at 8 PM

Friday, February 15 - The Lincoln Lodge Presents RORY SCOVEL - 8 PM & 10 PM 

Saturday, February 16Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM

Monday, February 18 - Charity Event at Comedy Sportz Theater (being auctioned) at 8 PM

Monday, February 18 - Hosting The Chaser at Comedy Sportz Theater at 10 PM

Tuesday, February 19 - Featuring for Drew Michael in Kenosha at 7 PM

Saturday, February 23Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM

Monday, February 25 - 100 Proof Comedy at Comedy Sportz Theater at 8 PM

Saturday, March 2Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM

Saturday, March 9Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM

Saturday, March 16Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM

Monday, March 18 - Hosting The Chaser at Comedy Sportz Theater at 10 PM

Sunday, March 24 - Bevy at 10 PM

Tuesday, March 26 - Chicago Underground Comedy at The Beat Kitchen (2100 West Belmont Avenue, Chicago, IL 60618) at 9 PM 

Sunday, March 30 Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM

More shows TBA.

Upcoming Shows for October-November

Friday, October 5
Lincoln Lodge Season 13 Opener 
 
4008 N. Lincoln Ave. Chicago, IL
The Lincoln Lodge Presents Pete Holmes - 8:00 PM

The Lincoln Lodge Presents Pete Holmes - 10:00 PM (One I’m performing on)

Saturday, October 6
Second City Outreach and Diversity Present: Race…The Final Frontier (Sketch/Improv) - 9:00 PM
1616 N. Wells St. Chicago, IL

The Lincoln Lodge Presents Pete Holmes - 8:00 PM

The Lincoln Lodge Presents Pete Holmes - 10:00 PM

Wednesday, October 10
Second City Outreach show at Columbia College - 6:00 PM 

Friday, October 12
Lincoln Lodge with Sean Flannery - 8:30 PM 

Saturday, October 13
Second City Outreach and Diversity Present: Race…The Final Frontier - 9:00 PM

Monday, October 15
100 Proof Comedy (Hosting) at Comedy Sportz Theatre - 8:00 PM
929 W Belmont Ave. Chicago, IL 

Tuesday, October 16
Dastardly @ The Hideout (Mar’son and the FYF Crew *rap*) - 8:00 PM 
1354 West Wabansia Avenue  Chicago, IL

Wednesday, October 17
Genesis League (Improv) at Comedy Sportz Theatre - 8:30 PM

Friday, October 19
Laugh Factory - 8:00 PM 

Saturday, October 20

Second City Outreach and Diversity Present: Race…The Final Frontier - 9:00 PM

Cutz on Cutz Loft Party (Farty Marty/Mar’son and the FYF Crew) - 11:00 PM 

Monday, October 22
100 Proof Comedy at Comedy Sportz Theatre - 8:00 PM 

Friday, October 26
Creative Control at Saki (Farty Marty) - 8:30 PM
3716 West Fullerton Avenue  Chicago, IL

Saturday, October 27
2 Hour Comedy Hour at Gallery Cabaret - 7:00 PM
Second City Outreach and Diversity Present: Race…The Final Frontier - 9:00 PM

Monday, October 29
100 Proof Comedy: The Chaser (Host) at Comedy Sportz - 9:45 PM 

Wednesday, October 31
Genesis League at Comedy Sportz Theatre - 8:00 PM

Comedians You Should Know (Farty Marty) at Timothy O’Toole’s - 9:00 PM
622 North Fairbanks Court Chicago, IL

Friday, November 2
 
Brass Chuckles (Farty Marty) at Playground Theater - 10:00 PM
3208 N. Halsted St. Chicago, IL 

But Seriously…Presents Danny Kallas (Host) at Comedy Sportz Theatre - 11:59 PM

Saturday, November 3
Second City Outreach and Diversity Present: Race…The Final Frontier - 9:00 PM

Monday, November 5
Speakeasy Comedy at Speakeasy - 9:00 PM
1970 North Lincoln Avenue Chicago, IL

Saturday, November 10
Second City Outreach and Diversity Present: Race…The Final Frontier - 9:00 PM

MPAACT Solo Jam: In My Head (one man show) at Greenhouse Theater - 11:00 PM
2257 N. Lincoln Ave. Chicago, IL 

Monday, November 12
The Comedy Evening at Ace Bar - 8:45 PM 
1505 W. Fullerton Ave. Chicago, IL 

Saturday, November 17
Second City Outreach and Diversity Present: Race…The Final Frontier - 9:00 PM

Wednesday, November 14
Genesis League at Comedy Sportz Theatre - 8:00 PM

Monday, November 19
100 Proof Comedy (Host) at Comedy Sportz Theatre - 8:00 PM

Saturday, November 24
Second City Outreach and Diversity Present: Race…The Final Frontier - 9:00 PM 

Monday, November 26
100 Proof Comedy: The Chaser (Host) at Comedy Sportz Theatre - 10:00 PM

Tuesday, November 27
The Grog (Stand-up/Farty Marty) - time TBA
2785 Euclid Heights Blvd Cleveland, OH

Wednesday, November 28
TBA Cleveland show

Thursday, November 29
TBA Cleveland show 

*Every Friday and Saturday are shows at the Lincoln Lodge at 8 and 10 PM.*

Hope to see you out! 

"Toot toot."

Upcoming Shows for August-September!

Saturday, August 11 - Second City Presents: BenchCo “All Grown Up and Nowhere to Go! (sketch)
         9 PM at Donny’s Skybox Theater inside of Second City at 1616 N. Wells 

Monday, August 13 - Impress These Apes Week 4 (I will be doing a dance and it will be  frightening awesome)
       8 PM at Comedy Sportz Theater right off of the Belmont Red/Brown stop, you       
       dingus!

Thursday, August 16 - Stand Up Stand Up
      8 PM at The Crocodile Lounge at 1540 N. Milwaukee  

Saturday, August 18 - Second City Presents: BenchCo “All Grown Up and Nowhere to Go!”
     9 PM at Donny’s Skybox Theater inside of Second City at 1616 N. Wells 

Sunday, August 19 - Laugh Factory
    8 PM at…The Laugh Factory on Broadway and Belmont

Monday, August 20 - Impress These Apes Week 5
    8 PM at Comedy Sportz Theater 

Thursday, August 23 - Second City Diversity Lunch Hour Showcase
    11 AM at Second City

Thursday, August 23 - Laugh Factory
    8 PM at Laugh Factory

Saturday, August 25 - YOUR VERY LAST CHANCE TO SEE SECOND CITY BENCHCO “ALL GROWN UP AND NOWHERE TO GO” 
    9 PM, Donny’s Skybox

Monday, August 27 - Impress These Apes Week 6
   8 PM at Comedy Sportz

Tuesday, September 11 - Co-hosting with Mike Joyce at the Rathskellar Open Mic
  8 PM at Lotties, 1925 West Cortland

For more updates follow me on twitter @martinMmorrow

Upcoming Shows!

ETC Presents Vulcan’s Underpants
When: Saturday, May 26th 8:00 PM
Where:Theatre Downtown (upstairs of 5th Ave. Antiques) 2410 5th Ave. S Birmingham, AL
Why: My last show in Birmingham before heading up to Chicago to start my work with Second City Bench Co.! It’s fast paced improv in the style of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’ If you’ve ever been a friend, enemy, or seen me perform while in the Magic City then this is the show I want you to be at.
Advance tickets available at www.etcbham.com

Laugh and a Half
When: Thursday, May 31st 9:00 PM
Where: Snuggery Pub 15 West Division St. Chicago, IL
Why: One of the best new stand-up showcases in Chicago I’ve been told. Why would you be a jerk and not be apart of seeing that?

Southern Discomfort
When: Saturday, June 2nd 11:00 PM
Where: MPaact Theatre 2257 N. Lincoln Ave, Chicago, IL
Why: It’s my one man show where I talk about growing up in Birmingham, coming back to Birmingham, the fear of stereotypes, and my love of interracial dating and the parents that hate me for it. It will hopefully be enlightening to a point and also funny.
Tickets available at http://mpaact.tix.com/schedule.asp?actcode=76716

A Night of Effen Comedy 13
When: Thursday, June 7 8:00 PM
Where: Zodiac Cafe & Lounge 113 N. Main Street Crown Point, IN
Why: It’s the show to round out the year of this show being around and I’m headlining! With Nathyn Gibson and Odinaka “OD” Ezeokoli we’re probably going to get stinky on stage.

Comedy Booze Cruise
When: Friday, June 8 10:00 PM
Where: On a boat in Knoxville, TN
Why: Because it’s a boat. Where everyone gets drunk. And you watch comedy. Plus the Manute Bols of Comedy are takin’ over!

Come out to ‘em!
- @martinMmorrow

This makes me very happy. Please watch/listen. Thank you Bellwether & Rivers Langley.

Old school video - Tubbi and Martin win at Auburn’s Last Comic Standing 2009

Mar’son from 95.7 Jamz stops by Town Hall Pub in Chicago for Entertaining Julia with his hypeman John Chills Booth and his hypeman’s hypeman W.G.N. White Gangsta Nigga to hit ‘em up with some rap like their ears ain’t ever believed before.

Interview with Emma Ash

In the adventures of the Cadillac of Manliness I stumble upon characters of all types and some of them are so interesting that I interview them and yes, a lot of times they are porn stars as many of you have noticed. Well loyal readers, this time it is different because I interviewed a…BDSM star. And from the interview you’ll see that this one is quite different from the others and I kept it professional-

Cadillac of Manliness: So who is tying Emma Ash down these days?

Emma Ash: Hahaha. Um, outside of work I have two fantastic men in my life who do the tying/f**king. 


CoM: Oh wow. How would you describe your work and what got you into it?


EA: Basically I f**k and do naughty stuff on camera for the world to see. I love it. I started because I needed some money while I was in school. I loved my first experience, so I kept doing it. 


CoM: Any crazy bondage stories?

EA: There have been so many and they’ve all been good. Mainly lots of bruises, burns, electrocutions, golden showers and all holes being f**ked.

CoM: I don’t think I knew what I was getting myself into with…with this at all.  You’re roommates with new and popular adult film actress Casey Cumz who has my favorite Bang Bus line of “how am I doing at f**king?” From living with her do you have any other good Casey quotables?


EA: She’s constantly complaining about guys with small dicks. And sticking her fist in her ass.


CoM: Oh my. Well speaking of ass fisting, what is the manliest thing you do?


EA: [Drink] Jack on the rocks, and I can drink most guys under the table. 


CoM: You’re comfortable on camera and bound by rope but how do you think you’d do with stand-up comedy?


EA: Probably not my forte. 


CoM: Do you have any particular pump up music you like to play before a scene?


EA: Skrillex, Kanye West, Drake, and dubstep. 


CoM: How do you wind down after a scene?


EA: Go have more sex tends to work. 


CoM: Don’t we all. How does one win the heart of Emma Ash and what’s the fastest way to lose it?


EA: You win my heart by being an intelligent, cultured, confident, charming individual. Lose it? I don’t tolerate douchebags.  


CoM: In a lot of bondage scenes you have crazy gadgets to bring the ultimate in pleasure. The Cadillac of Manliness has created some machines and we’d like your opinion on if they would translate well or not into the BDSM community.
 1) The Pie Feeder: A machine fashioned to a set of dildos with a freshly baked blueberry pie on top to feed the tied up person.
 2) The National Inquirer: A machine fashioned to a set of dildos attached to various newspaper articles for the tied up person to read.
 3) The Double Dildoed Dildo: A machine fashioned to a pair of dildos with a second set of dildos on top of it for the person to either eat pie, read, or do whatever they’d like with.


EA: I’d get the National Inquirer if it could have The Economist and The New Yorker attached. 


CoM: Nice. Whats next for Emma Ash?


EA: More scenes, hopefully some BDSM ones specifically. 


Well thanks for joining me, Emma and hopefully you’ll have some…more BDSM as well.

For more of Emma Ash you can find her at the following-
Twitter: EmmaAshX
My blog: emmasimoneash.tumblr.com
Bookings: Type 9 Models

Interview with Bree Olson

When I was a freshman in college my brand new computer and many bottles of Johnson and Johnson baby oil were introduced to a young, exciting adult film star named Bree Olson. Years later the bottles are empty and trashed, the computer has crashed, and my love for Bree Olson’s ahem..work has not changed. Bree hails from Indiana, is the winner of the 2010 Miss Freeones competition, and is my guest on the first Cadillac of Manliness interview.

 

MM: You’ve probably heard this question a million times but how did you get your start in the adult film business?
Bree: I had always wanted to do it since I was younger. I grew up watching Howard Stern when he was on E! and everything and he would always laser point to girls and would be like, “I don’t know if you could be a porn star because of this.” I remember sitting there and getting naked in the mirror and thinking, yeah, I could be a porn star and it just always stuck in the back of my head and I thought about Playboy and stuff like that. I was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years from the time I was 15 to the time I was 19 so when I ran the idea by her when I turned 18 she was not fond of it. So as soon as we broke up I went searching on a website and I was living in Indiana and had no idea how to get started, I was never a stripper or anything to do with the adult industry whatsoever. So I went to this website and I posted my picture and said I want to be a porn star, give me a call. I remember at the time I was going to Purdue and I was pre-med. I was also working 40 hours a week at this crappy ass telemarketing job that I hated. I was just the struggling, average college life student story and I didn’t take porn that serious and then I got started and found it was a real job and a billion dollar industry. Everything is so professional, I didn’t expect that. I just expected to show up and have sex on camera and I’d just be into it and it turned into this whole big thing and people liked me and I ended up sticking around!

MM: In stand-up comedy we prepare by writing a set of jokes for our performance. How do you get prepared for a set of testicles for one of your performances?
Bree: (Laughs) I don’t really think about it, I’m always on. My switch never turns off and people have said that in my personal life, “Wow, you really are always like that! You don’t just put that on for your movies.” I’m like no, not at all so it’s just always there.

MM: So what do you think sparks that? Do you just wake up like let’s do this?
Bree: I’m not like let’s do this but if I wake up and someone is on top of me I’m not going to turn them down, no. I’m just always ready to go. It would be so rare. It would be like getting struck by lightning for me to say no.

MM: You’re famous for your on-screen tenacity and I have a quote of yours from a scene that I hope you can elaborate on. The quote is “Choke me on this date.”
Bree: I don’t remember that. It sounds like me. It sounds like something I might say. I mean that’s hot.
MM: I guess on this particular date though things were different. Other dates were we’ll eat dinner or go to a movie but this date you felt like you needed to be choked.
Bree: I guess it was just one of those days. One of those choking days I guess.
MM: Understandable.
Bree: Of course, right?
MM: Of course. I tried that once on a date, I was like, “You should choke me on this date.” Didn’t go over so well…she got out of the car.
Bree: Yeah, it probably doesn’t go over as well for guys. Girls have it pretty easy we can just blow our ways through life.
MM: Yeah, that was the opening line so it was down hill from there.
Bree: (Laughs)

MM: Do you just improvise most of your line?
Bree: There’s so much stuff I say. I’ll be sitting with my friends back here in Indiana and we’ll be joking around and they’re like, “You should tell the guy to paint a map of Hawaii on your back.” and I’ll be like yeah, I’ll say it and they’re like no you won’t and then I do! But I always start with little stuff in my movies.

MM: Do you have a personal favorite quote of your own?
Bree: Not really. On my website BreeOlson.com it’s my own stuff so I shoot what I want to shoot so that’s probably some of my favorite stuff because I can do exactly what I want to do. I’ve got weird fetishes.

MM: I follow you on twitter and is that all 100% real stuff like there were six dudes in your hotel just yesterday-
Bree: Yeah, why not? What’s wrong with that?
MM: No, nothing’s wrong with that..I was just asking if-
Bree: No, they’re guys I meet at the club and stuff and I’ll be giving them a private dance and they’re like I want to fuck you and I’ll say come back to my hotel, here’s my number. It’s that easy!

MM: Is it true that laughter is the way to a woman’s heart?
Bree: Oh yeah, definitely. I love funny guys. If a guy can’t make me laugh it’s just not going to work. If I am on a date and he does not make me laugh within the first five minutes I know it’s just going to go downhill. Usually if a guy opens up saying something funny I know it’s going to be awesome. As far as just fucking they don’t have to say anything, I really don’t give a shit. You follow me on twitter, there was that one guy and he was all butthurt about it (when she kicked him out) like now he knows how women feel as he put his clothes on shamefully and walking out the door and I’m like dude, I’m done.

MM: Do you think you could handle doing a ten minute comedy set?
Bree: I don’t know. I think I’m funny but no one else seems to laugh at my jokes so I seem to laugh at them. I think they’re pretty hilarious but I have more of a dry sense of humor.

MM: What would your material be like?
Bree: I would just talk about my daily life and my encounters just like most comedians do and elaborate on them.

MM: Who are your favorite comedians?
Bree: OH MY GOSH, Dane Cook. Out of everyone in the whole entire world there is no one I want more than Dane Cook. Nobody. Nobody. Dane Cook. As soon as I saw Vicious Circle I was like shut up. I will just have sex with him all day long. I will be on my knees no matter where I see him at and just open my mouth. Seriously.

MM: I have some porn titles I wanted to pitch to you to see if you would want to be in any of these based on the title.
The first one is called Lottery Dickit.
Bree: I like it. Have you seen some of the titles that have been coming out?
MM: Yeah, now they’re like “Golden Girls, a XXX Parody!”
(Bree laughs)

MM: The next porn title - A Charles Dickens Classic: Buttsex.
Bree: (Laughs) Well it makes me laugh. I like that.That’s good.

MM: Granny Balls. That one probably wouldn’t sell too well.
Bree: That one is like when I was just on Howard Stern for the Biggest Whore Contest with two other girls and when the one chick said she ate a burrito of a hundred guys loads that…turning of the stomach. The title you said isn’t as bad as that but it’s on that level of going there.
MM: Was there still beef and cheese in the burrito?
Bree: Gross man, I don’t even know. It seriously makes me want to throw up right now. How disgusting is that? I’m such a visual person that when I think about stuff like that I just (gags).
MM: Does she hate herself? Why would anyone do that?
Bree: Oh my gosh, you’re killing me. When she said that I was like this bitch is gonna win.
There’s no way. I’m so glad it was voter call-in so I won but if it wasn’t for that she would have taken the cake just for that alone. I wouldn’t even come up with a lie to try and top that.
MM: She must have just gotten off the set of Two Girls One Cup, Part II.
Bree: That’s another thing I compared it to! I watched the Two Girls One Cup video and didn’t even flinch. There’s a thing of my reaction on youtube from me watching it on Opie and Anthony but when I heard that it was just the worst. I would watch Two Girls One Cup a hundred times any day over watching her eat 100 guys burrito.

MM: Next porn title of mine is The Fuck Snail.
Bree: Where are you coming up with this stuff?!
MM: Well it’s about a radioactive snail that attacks a house full of women and he likes to have sex. He’s a snail though.
Bree: That’s verging on beastiality right there but snailality.
MM: Well he’s a giant snail.
Bree: (Laughs) That changes everything then. As long as he’s a giant snail then it’s OK.
MM: The last title I have is called The Martin Morrow Porno: Portraits of Shame.
Bree: Oh my gosh. I’d take part in that. I’ll take the lead role.
MM: Please. Sign up twice.
Bree: (laughs)

MM: What do you have for the readers to check out?
Bree: BreeOlson.com and check me out on Twitter with @BreeOlson.