Farty Marty: by far the best stand up comedian currently in the business.
High accolades for my good friend Farty Marty.
Farty Marty: by far the best stand up comedian currently in the business.
High accolades for my good friend Farty Marty.
Autumn is approaching and it’s about to start getting colder so you want someone to cuddle up to. You’re dusting off the OK Cupid profile hoping to find someone to wear matching Scooby Doo costumes with you by Halloween or you’re hitting up the club just to be embraced by a guy named Gino who only communicates via blue tooth.
Sweaters are being put on and cuffing season is officially back in full swing. There are a few things to know though going in so you’ll have a lasting relationship and not be the guy/girl who only gets hit up at 3 AM every other Friday.
- DON’T put her on a pedestal
Remember the story “Everybody Poops”? Same thing applies for relationships. That girl you exchanged numbers with may be awesome but she’s still human. She’s had some questionable c*cks in her mouth. She’s smoked cigarettes with toddlers present. She’s made a sex tape with the roadie for Staind. Whatever. Just know everybody has a past and not everyone lives a picket fences lifestyle. That’s OK. Respect that history because it led to where you are today. And you know you hit that hobo with your car while drunk driving, you’re not perfect either.
- DON’T gas yourself up
You’re not that special. You’re unique because you’re the only you. Be that. You’re probably not the richest. You’re probably not the biggest. You’re probably not the first. But your significant other chose to be with you for a reason. Be that reason, don’t worry about the other stuff.
- DON’T look for anything you don’t want to know
Curiosity killed the cat and can kill the relationship. If your s/o is acting weird and you’re curious why then ask. That doesn’t help all the time though because people have this ability to do this thing called “lying”. Just know if you plan to snoop through texts you should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. We all have our trust issues, that’s why Drake is a thing.
- You’re taking on a project
People aren’t robots. You can’t program them into the way you want. Relationships are two individuals coming together to try their best whilst also having mediocre sex once a week. It’s OK not to like all of the same things. Have you met a dude who likes EVERYTHING his girlfriend likes? They have a freezer full of human toes. Your project isn’t going to be perfect. Be happy with what you got. Some things will change, some things won’t. We’re all stubborn and set in our ways to some extent. Embrace it, try your best to deal with it, attempt to fix it, or get out.
- Remember everything, read into nothing
Not everything your s/o says has value or meaning. Some stories and characters in their life are just that. Parts of history that has molded him/her to who they are now. Remember it so you’ll know that’s why they do some of the stuff they do. People who have been cheated on will be a little more insecure. People who spent long amounts of time being single will need space sometimes. Keep it in the back of your brain but don’t add more to it than there should be.
- STOP WORRYING ABOUT BODY COUNT
Sex is great, right? You like experiencing it. You did it before you met your hucklebuck unless you were a boring ass person. Well, they did too. They probably did a lot of weird butt stuff while getting tied up to horses. We all have different experiences in our 20’s. Are they clean and regularly go to the clinic? Then that’s what matters. Don’t let the body count hurt your relationship unless you’re getting a burning sensation below. Plus, now you have a sweet foot chokehold move to add to your repertoire.
- NEVER fully listen to their friends
They are HER friends first. They are there to make her look good to keep her happy or themselves happy. They will give you good advice because they know her well but they’re also there to protect her so think of talking to friends like Miranda Rights - anything you say can and will be used in the court of love (turns and winks at the camera).
- Recognize if you’re in love or in love with the idea of a person
You know those movies where the nerdy guy pines after his dream cheerleader and finally gets her and realizes she’s a bad person? That happens in real life too! We all have an image built up in our head of an ideal mate and sometimes you get that but fail to recognize that the person isn’t good for you. Don’t stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship simply because you think it’s what society has picked for you. That’s how you get a posthumous Lifetime movie made about you.
Well, hope you all enjoyed this read and your sitting-by-the-fireplace relationship is a little better now because of it. I expect wedding invites. I won’t come, but I like knowing I’m thought of.
Follow me on twitter - @martinMmorrow and check out these upcoming shows I’m performing in:
9/6, 9/13, & 9/20 (sketch) - Mutiny on the Short Bus @ 9 PM in Donny’s Skybox Theater at Second City
9/7 - Laugh Factory Chicago @ 8 PM
9/9 - Zanies Comedy Club @ 8:30 PM
9/12 - Shenannigans @ 7 PM
9/13 - Reggie’s @ 12 AM
9/19 - Improv Comedy Club in Schaumburg @ 8 PM
9/26-9/28 - Up Comedy Club opening for Carmen Lynch @ 8 & 10 PM
Today is the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. It was on this day, 50 years ago, Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous “I had a dream…” speech.
As you can assume, being that this is *of course* a post-racial America, the American people commemorated this…
It’s halfway through the summer. You’ve been texting that girl you bought the whiskey-vodka-redbull shot for at O’McGallohan’s for a while/you’ve been chatting up that guy with the business degree who always talks about finances and financing and accounts and accounting or how he wants to show you his loft. You’re wondering if this is it. Have you found the person you’re going to settle down with and live a stable, comfortable life full of staged engagement photos to show your friends back home in Small Town, USA. Well here are 3 simple rules to follow before you embark on that quest of asking the age old awkward question of “soooo, what are we?”
Hope you enjoyed, soak all that in, and remember I’ll never steer you wrong.
Wednesday, July 17 - hosting Comedians You Should Know at 9 PM
Thursday, July 18 - You, Me, Them, Everybody Live at Hungry Brain at 9 PM
Saturday, July 20 - 2 Hour Comedy Hour at Gallery Cabaret at 7 PM
Wednesday, July 24 - Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria, IL at 8 PM
More and more children being arrested for trivial things…
#1 At one public school down in Texas, a 12-year-old girl named Sarah Bustamantes was recently arrested for spraying herself with perfume.
#2 A 13-year-old student at a school in Albuquerque, New Mexico was recently arrested by police for burping in class.
#3 Another student down in Albuquerque was forced to strip down to his underwear while five adults watched because he had $200 in his pocket. The student was never formally charged with doing anything wrong.
#4 A security guard at one school in California broke the arm of a 16-year-old girl because she left some crumbs on the floor after cleaning up some cake that she had spilled.
#5 One teenage couple down in Houston poured milk on each other during a squabble while they were breaking up. Instead of being sent to see the principal, they were arrested and sent to court.
#6 In early 2010, a 12-year-old girl at a school in Forest Hills, New York was arrested by police and marched out of her school in handcuffs just because she doodled on her desk. “I love my friends Abby and Faith” was what she reportedly scribbled on her desk.
#7 A 6-year-old girl down in Florida was handcuffed and sent to a mental facility after throwing temper tantrums at her elementary school.
#8 One student down in Texas was reportedly arrested by police for throwing paper airplanes in class.
#9 A 17-year-old honor student in North Carolina named Ashley Smithwick accidentally took her father’s lunch with her to school. It contained a small paring knife which he would use to slice up apples. So what happened to this standout student when the school discovered this? The school suspended her for the rest of the year and the police charged her with a misdemeanor.
#10 In Allentown, Pennsylvania a 14-year-old girl was tasered in the groin area by a school security officer even though she had put up her hands in the air to surrender.
#11 Down in Florida, an 11-year-old student was arrested, thrown in jail and charged with a third-degree felony for bringing a plastic butter knife to school.
#12 Back in 2009, an 8-year-old boy in Massachusetts was sent home from school and was forced to undergo a psychological evaluation because he drew a picture of Jesus on the cross.
#13 A police officer in San Mateo, California blasted a 7-year-old special education student in the face with pepper spray because he would not quit climbing on the furniture.
#14 In America today, even 5-year-old children are treated brutally by police. The following is from a recent article that described what happened to one very young student in Stockton, California a while back….
“Earlier this year, a Stockton student was handcuffed with zip ties on his hands and feet, forced to go to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation and was charged with battery on a police officer. That student was 5 years old”.
#15 At one school in Connecticut, a 17-year-old boy was thrown to the floor and tasered five times because he was yelling at a cafeteria worker.
#16 A teenager in suburban Dallas was forced to take on a part-time job after being ticketed for using foul language in one high school classroom. The original ticket was for $340, but additional fees have raised the total bill to $637.
#17 A few months ago, police were called out when a little girl kissed a little boy during a physical education class at an elementary school down in Florida.
#18 A 6-year-old boy was recently charged with sexual battery for some “inappropriate touching” during a game of tag at one elementary school in the San Francisco area.
#19 In Massachusetts, police were recently sent out to collect an overdue library book from a 5-year-old girl.
HERE ARE THE LINKS FOR THOSE WHO FEEL THIS PAGE MADE ALL THIS UP:
Check out this video on YouTube:http://youtu.be/wk2b_twCCdw
If you were wondering how we as a society could breed our future serial murderers, sociopaths, and all around criminals it’s by giving them police records at the age of six. We’re doing it, America!
Feminism as a whole is described as an ideology of establishing and defending equal rights for women. Somewhere in the time between the work of Virginia Woolf and the show “Girls” coming into fruition the defense of equal rights have fizzled into blog posts or tweet from a woman in her 20’s who is upset over something a comedian said.
Where are the battles for pay equality? Where are the open discussions about stopping female genital mutilation in Africa? When was the last time you donated to a battered women’s shelter or donated your time to rape victim help centers? Has anyone tried to help out the women of Afghanistan or at the very least told a 13 year old girl she looked pretty? Anything outside of reposting an article read on jezebel on how someone was offended about something. Recently I read an article about how various female celebrities don’t feel comfortable identifying themselves as feminists because of the negative connotations that come with the word. (http://www.salon.com/2013/04/06/im_not_a_feminist_but/?source=newsletter) Naturally, this upset many feminists. Not because of the reasoning that they weren’t associating their names as feminists, but because they were powerful amongst the world’s media and social market and not identifying themselves as feminists. This is the sort of like if white supremacists were angry at famous Caucasian men for not being white supremacists; “But you were so convincing, Edward Norton!”
This is not to say I don’t support feminist, their values, or strong women. I love the women in my life in every frame and I’m inspired by what they’ve done. What feminism has devolved to is women who aren’t doing anything for social change except being outspoken on issues that make themselves seem overly sensitive. The problem here isn’t in the sensitivity- if you’re offended by something, that’s your right- it’s in the fact that you portray yourself as the voice of the movement and speak on behalf of the entire movement as a whole for a matter that has very little barrings. For example- Christians aren’t bad people. The Westboro Baptist Church picketing funerals and claiming they’re Christian is doing a bad thing. The majority sees the outspoken instead of the whole, therefor the whole looks crazy because of the smaller sum. Now that’s comparing apples and oranges, here’s a more specific and personal example:
I’m a part of a comedy rap group called Mar’son and the FYF Crew. It’s stupidity for the sake of satire and one of those things that once you understand what’s going on, you’re in on the joke (ie: songs about bath salts, smelling vaginas, the overuse of the n-word, and our hypeman having a hypeman). There are people who don’t get it, which is fine because not all comedy is for everybody. On Friday, April 26th we performed a show at a bar in Chicago. Our opening song is called “Birthday” where the chorus is “Happy Birthday, we trying to f**k.” During this song we get a female volunteer. On this night, the girl sat and danced through all 3 minutes and 53 seconds of the song. No one held her down, touched her, or called her anything explicit. She goes back into the audience and we do the remaining 15 minutes of our set. As soon as we’re off she bumrushes the stage and yells to the audience, “What they did is not OK. That song glorifies rape culture, sexual harassment, and misogyny.” The girl was heckled and booed. We had an open forum discussion outside where we listened to her threaten to sue us and explain how she didn’t find the song funny (but did say she was a big fan of the show “Girls” which…kind of shows you her perspective in comedy). The performance as a whole was enjoyed by the majority of the audience, many of which were outside during the discussion and pretty much all had turned on her because of her way of handling the situation. The song never says “we’re going to f**k you” or “we don’t care what you say, this f**king is going to happen” thus throwing out her rape culture theory. The simple statement of “we’re trying to f**k” implies a hopefulness which was in actuality demonstrated by her (assumed) boyfriend who defended her outspokenness to the rest of the group while he smirked when we pointed out what makes the song a joke. The point is the way the situation was handled made her look worse to the broader audience because she seemed angry, spiteful, and overly-sensitive.
Within this new generation, topics dealing with sex are eggshell walks. I’ve seen how many male comedians are ostracized due to the content of material that most female comedians would get praised for. Comedy used to be about if a joke is funny or not funny. No one looked too deep into Eddie Murphy’s “Raw”. It was risque, but people of different colors, genders, and sexual orientations laughed and he got millions of dollars. There is more of a social awareness now which is a good and bad thing. It’s good because we all have a voice to talk about any issues. It’s bad because we ALL have a voice to talk about any issues. Liberalism has become telling people what they can’t say because of who it might offend. The job of a comedian is to point out what makes everything silly. No matter what, somebody is going to be the butt of a joke. A fellow comedian and friend of mine pointed out how this happens from the time we’re able to talk. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” To get to the other side. It’s the clear answer. You’re made to be the dumb one. You’re the butt of that joke. But when you hit a certain age you don’t want to look stupid so instead you take point out the fallacies of the joke instead of taking it as a joke. In the context of feminism, has being able to laugh become the enemy? Has being able to all openly talk about sex become the issues? Or is it the concept of “slut shaming”?
Calling someone who is slutty a slut is not a bad thing. Telling someone who is slutty that being a slut is bad is a bad thing. The double standard in sexual culture is based on the two roles of the genders. A man is (typically/socially speaking) not celebrated by women when he sleeps with multiple girls, but his male peers will congratulate him on his deeds. A woman is (typically/socially speaking) not celebrated by men when she sleeps with multiple guys, and her female peers will label her with negative views based on her actions. The same can be said regarding body image. Within many of the discussions regarding how women should look and how they should love their curves and figures it often times deteriorates into cutting remarks about skinny girls or girls with boobs jobs. How is that fighting for your cause?
Empower women. Help women. Embrace women. But the more the outspoken yet under-active feminists try to tear down comedian’s jokes about their exes or Taylor Swift’s lyrics because she “sings too much about boys” the more harm they’re doing to anything those set before them have built.
This is a poem I wrote at 4:30 AM. It doesn’t follow any guidelines because real gangstas don’t follow rules.
There’s the stage set before you, it might implore you to explore who has been here before. The audience claps as you map out your next joke for your material.
The controversial topic, the relevancy, this one thing that has been killing me.
What you love, what you hate, how you can’t seem to find a date.
Everyone’s talking about this, but this is your spin
It bombs but you think you can try it again.
Hear a chuckle out of pity, you talk about the city and the people in it and how it still feels shitty.
You’re broke, you’re poor, you feel your ideas are worth more but
Those ideas lack in fact and theory because even through this mic, these people they don’t hear me…
See the glow from someone’s phone and there you begin to sink trying to think of where your life would have gone if you hadn’t got that liberal arts degree. Race relations, radio stations, “Hitler reference” and penetration. They’re on board now..
You get personal, talk about the girl you like, how you had a fight, but something doesn’t feel quite right.
The exes, the sexists, Craigslist missed connections, battle of races and the sexes, how you think sex is, the e-mail messages from Texas saying you’re not good enough, we didn’t like your clip
So you bite your lip, hoping maybe in 365 days
You’ll count the ways to get into that festival because hey, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Every day is make or break, this bit, that tag
Here’s that guy you see at an open mic you roll your eyes at cause he thinks he can get a laugh by randomly saying “nigger” or “fag”.
But as you digress you don’t need further stress, you’re doing your best to wait your turn
Because for 4 minutes they’ll learn who you are
You live and die by every laugh or lack thereof
Those 3 dollar drinks start to add up realizing you’re out of luck
You started with 20, after 5 PBRs your wallet is fuuuuucked.
But it’s your passion, it’s your dream. You moved all this way and it seems
You see a new face every day trying to do the same exact thing.
A year from now some of them will be gone, some will be better
Some will move past you and from the back room it’s whatever
But the reality and jealousy sets in and it kills to see
That that bit killed.
Get home at 2 AM, a clown taking off his make-up one more night
Ready to wake up to afternoon light and prepare for the eve where you do it all again. A life of jokes and drinks to keep you on hinge.
We have to laugh to keep from crying
The reality is we’re all dying, that’s all you want them to see
So if you’re going to die…die laughing, even if it’s at me.
Friday, Jan. 25 - Sh!t Show at Shambles (2050 West Division Street, Chicago, IL 60622) at 8 PM
Friday, Jan. 25 - Chris Redd’s Redd Alert at The Playground Theater (3209 North Halsted Street, Chicago, IL 60657) at 10 PM
Saturday, Jan. 26 - OPENING NIGHT of Second City presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking inside Donny’s Skybox Theater (1616 North Wells Street, Chicago, IL 60614) at 9 PM *sketch*
Saturday, Jan. 26 - Cutz on Cuts Loft Party at MultiKulti (1000 North Milwaukee Avenue, Chicago, IL 60642) at 11 PM
Monday, Jan. 28 - Hosting The Chaser at Comedy Sportz Theater (929 West Belmont Avenue, Chicago, IL 60657) at 10 PM
Wednesday, Jan. 30 - Hosting Comedians You Should Know at Timothy O’ Toole’s (622 North Fairbanks Court, Chicago, IL 60611) at 9 PM
Thursday, January 31 - Comedy Central Showcase at Lincoln Lodge (4008 North Lincoln Avenue, Chicago, IL 60618) at 9 PM
Thursday, January 31 - Your Comedy Show at Lilly’s ( 2515 North Lincoln Avenue, Chicago, IL 60614) at 10 PM
Friday, February 1 - Lincoln Lodge at 9 PM
Friday, February 1 - Talk Hard at Comedy Sportz Theater *Mar’son and the FYF Crew* at 12 AM
Saturday, February 2 - Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM
Monday, February 4 - 100 Proof Comedy at Comedy Sportz Theater at 8 PM
Tuesday, February 5 - Hug City at Racine Plumbing (2642 N. Lincoln Ave.) at 9 PM
Friday, February 8 - Lincoln Lodge at 9 PM
Saturday, February 9 - Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM
Saturday, February 9 - Don’t Spit The Water! at The Playground Theater at 10 PM
Sunday, February 10 - REACH at Up Comedy Club at 9:30 PM *Mar’son & The FYF Crew* (230 W. North Ave. 3rd Floor Chicago, IL)
Monday, February 11 - 100 Proof Comedy DVD TAPING! at Comedy Sportz Theater at 8 PM
Friday, February 15 - The Lincoln Lodge Presents RORY SCOVEL - 8 PM & 10 PM
Saturday, February 16 - Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM
Monday, February 18 - Charity Event at Comedy Sportz Theater (being auctioned) at 8 PM
Monday, February 18 - Hosting The Chaser at Comedy Sportz Theater at 10 PM
Tuesday, February 19 - Featuring for Drew Michael in Kenosha at 7 PM
Saturday, February 23 - Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM
Monday, February 25 - 100 Proof Comedy at Comedy Sportz Theater at 8 PM
Saturday, March 2 - Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM
Saturday, March 9 - Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM
Saturday, March 16 - Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM
Monday, March 18 - Hosting The Chaser at Comedy Sportz Theater at 10 PM
Sunday, March 24 - Bevy at 10 PM
Tuesday, March 26 - Chicago Underground Comedy at The Beat Kitchen (2100 West Belmont Avenue, Chicago, IL 60618) at 9 PM
Sunday, March 30 - Second City Presents Urban Twist: Social NOTWorking at 9 PM
More shows TBA.
There’s a saying about music that “everyone can sing, just not everyone can sing well.” The same is true for comedy. Everyone can be or has been funny at some point in their life. You can be the funniest person to your friends or the funniest guy in the office or even have some funny tweets but that doesn’t always translate into being a comedian.
For a lot of people they transition that will and want to be funny into taking improv classes or doing open mics. Some flourish and some sink. Humor is an inherent trait and the process of channeling it can be difficult if you don’t push yourself to tap into it. If you’re a well-to-do person who watches SNL and just think, “I can do that” then you’re going to struggle in the reality that there are a million other people with the same thought process and a lot of them are funnier, more talented, and have more drive.
I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a lot of outstandingly funny people from different avenues. With that I’ve met a lot of unfunny people who desperately want to be funny. Reality usually takes people in three different directions of either- “Yes I suck but I want to get better” or “Yes I suck and I should quit and focus on something else” or “No, I don’t suck everyone around me sucks for not getting my brilliance.” Comedy is an attention wanting process. You’re presenting yourself in a light of “look at me, laugh at my thoughts, and chuckle at this silly thing I can do.” For me personally I got “serious” about stand-up in 2009 and that was also when I started doing improv, both of which were in Birmingham. I would drive 2 hours to Birmingham from Auburn every Sunday to rehearse and then 2 hours back to go to class the next morning. I didn’t party. I didn’t drink. I worked 3 jobs, was a full time student, and did as much comedy as possible.
Since then I’ve kept up with doing both stand-up and improv and a question I always get asked is which one is better and the response I always give is that they’re both very different. Stand-up is a solo performance. It is you and a microphone telling thought out material or things that come to you in the moment. Improv is a group minded thing. A bunch of people working together with the best of their ability to think stuff from the top of their head.
The key difference is dependability. When I’m doing stand-up I know I can trust myself to do something funny and make something funny. If it doesn’t work it is all on me. With improv if something doesn’t work, there is a reason it doesn’t work and it could be an idea that was stepped on or negated or just one person who is a weak link in the group because the truth is not all improvists are strong.
I’d rather watch a stand-up fail than an improv team fail. If a stand-up fails on stage (unless he’s delusional) he knows where he lost the audience and he can try to win them back or say “good night” and bring up the host. If improv does badly YOU HAVE TO STILL WATCH THEM TRY. The scene could get swiped and then you look at that person on the side of the stage with 1 of 2 faces: Face A: “Aw man, that wasn’t good.” or Face B: “Aw man, I can’t wait to get in again and try to make that work.” I don’t fault multiple attempts at putting in effort to make something funny but sometimes you have to wave the white flag and know when to be a good prop for the rest of the scenes.
In August I got into a discussion with a girl about which is more profitable to do, stand-up or improv. I explained that improv performers have the quicker pay-off but stand-ups have a higher success rate.
If you think about the city of Chicago, you have several improv venues such as Second City, iO, The Annoyance, Comedy Sportz Theatre, etc etc… Out of those you have at least 5,000 people coming from all over the world taking classes. 10% are people who need a confidence booster and probably won’t do anything past a couple of classes. 30% enjoy comedy and are just looking for something to do in the meantime. Another 30% are musical theatre majors who have been told their entire life during their musical theatre classes that they’re musical theatre funny and all of their scenes will be the exact same thing, they’ll play the exact same characters, and will potentially be the most annoying person in these classes. There’s another 25% who feel they can make something out of it and will try their best and there’s a final 5% that make something out of it be it a career in improv or teaching or making it big in television and movies- success is all dependent upon how you see it and how far you want to go. The reality should set in that not everybody who signs up for these classes or does all of the improv jams or performs at every improv show is going to be the next big thing in improv. There is a very small percentage of people who get paid to do improv.
Stand-up is again similar but different. There are multiple venues and bars and coffee shops with a microphone and stand. The biggest fall-off is in between doing open mics and doing shows. I’ve seen a lot of people who do open mics disappear but typically those who are in the showcase circuit or who are doing clubs stick with it in some fashion and get paid whatever amount. Taking from an open mic, let’s say there are 50 people signed up. Out of that 50, 10 of them are already somewhat established in their city or region and are trying out new jokes or just need a stage. 15 of them are growing and are the comics to watch for when that first 10 move to a different city or begin to travel or do whatever their specific goals are (goals are relative). The remaining 25 will either meander around open mics, quit within a year, or find what works for them. The group that finds what works for them typically become that 15 and the cycle continues. The difference between here and improv is you have maybe 400 people doing stand-up in the city vs that 5,000 in classes and performing their show “Wacky Title with a Political Figure Involved Honey Boo Boo”.
Out of all of this, the truth is that cream rises. There’s a quote from Red Skelton, “if you’ve got talent they can put you behind a brick wall and you’ll break through.”
A lot of people in improv and stand-up have the talent and will definitely flourish, and a lot more will be stuck counting bricks.