The Cadillac of Manliness
#tbt My dad called me Bucket head and now I kinda see why. #sweatergang #killingitinturtlenecks #ToddlerTheoHuxtable

#tbt My dad called me Bucket head and now I kinda see why. #sweatergang #killingitinturtlenecks #ToddlerTheoHuxtable

On the diamond joke, did you say "My cousin Ubuntu.."? Brilliantly ironic, my man. Your jabs are spot on!

Thanks! And yes. Fun fact Ubuntu means “to be human”.

clintisiceman:

Farty Marty: by far the best stand up comedian currently in the business.

High accolades for my good friend Farty Marty.

S.S. Cuffing Season (The Relationship)

Autumn is approaching and it’s about to start getting colder so you want someone to cuddle up to. You’re dusting off the OK Cupid profile hoping to find someone to wear matching Scooby Doo costumes with you by Halloween or you’re hitting up the club just to be embraced by a guy named Gino who only communicates via blue tooth.
Sweaters are being put on and cuffing season is officially back in full swing. There are a few things to know though going in so you’ll have a lasting relationship and not be the guy/girl who only gets hit up at 3 AM every other Friday.

- DON’T put her on a pedestal 
Remember the story “Everybody Poops”? Same thing applies for relationships. That girl you exchanged numbers with may be awesome but she’s still human. She’s had some questionable c*cks in her mouth. She’s smoked cigarettes with toddlers present. She’s made a sex tape with the roadie for Staind. Whatever. Just know everybody has a past and not everyone lives a picket fences lifestyle. That’s OK. Respect that history because it led to where you are today. And you know you hit that hobo with your car while drunk driving, you’re not perfect either.

DON’T gas yourself up
You’re not that special. You’re unique because you’re the only you. Be that. You’re probably not the richest. You’re probably not the biggest. You’re probably not the first. But your significant other chose to be with you for a reason. Be that reason, don’t worry about the other stuff.

DON’T look for anything you don’t want to know
Curiosity killed the cat and can kill the relationship. If your s/o is acting weird and you’re curious why then ask. That doesn’t help all the time though because people have this ability to do this thing called “lying”. Just know if you plan to snoop through texts you should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. We all have our trust issues, that’s why Drake is a thing.

You’re taking on a project
People aren’t robots. You can’t program them into the way you want. Relationships are two individuals coming together to try their best whilst also having mediocre sex once a week. It’s OK not to like all of the same things. Have you met a dude who likes EVERYTHING his girlfriend likes? They have a freezer full of human toes. Your project isn’t going to be perfect. Be happy with what you got. Some things will change, some things won’t. We’re all stubborn and set in our ways to some extent. Embrace it, try your best to deal with it, attempt to fix it, or get out.

Remember everything, read into nothing
Not everything your s/o says has value or meaning. Some stories and characters in their life are just that. Parts of history that has molded him/her to who they are now. Remember it so you’ll know that’s why they do some of the stuff they do. People who have been cheated on will be a little more insecure. People who spent long amounts of time being single will need space sometimes. Keep it in the back of your brain but don’t add more to it than there should be.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT BODY COUNT
Sex is great, right? You like experiencing it. You did it before you met your hucklebuck unless you were a boring ass person. Well, they did too. They probably did a lot of weird butt stuff while getting tied up to horses. We all have different experiences in our 20’s. Are they clean and regularly go to the clinic? Then that’s what matters. Don’t let the body count hurt your relationship unless you’re getting a burning sensation below. Plus, now you have a sweet foot chokehold move to add to your repertoire. 

NEVER fully listen to their friends
They are HER friends first. They are there to make her look good to keep her happy or themselves happy. They will give you good advice because they know her well but they’re also there to protect her so think of talking to friends like Miranda Rights - anything you say can and will be used in the court of love (turns and winks at the camera). 

Recognize if you’re in love or in love with the idea of a person
You know those movies where the nerdy guy pines after his dream cheerleader and finally gets her and realizes she’s a bad person? That happens in real life too! We all have an image built up in our head of an ideal mate and sometimes you get that but fail to recognize that the person isn’t good for you. Don’t stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship simply because you think it’s what society has picked for you. That’s how you get a posthumous Lifetime movie made about you.

Well, hope you all enjoyed this read and your sitting-by-the-fireplace relationship is a little better now because of it. I expect wedding invites. I won’t come, but I like knowing I’m thought of.

Follow me on twitter - @martinMmorrow and check out these upcoming shows I’m performing in:
9/6, 9/13, & 9/20 (sketch) - Mutiny on the Short Bus @ 9 PM in Donny’s Skybox Theater at Second City
9/7 - Laugh Factory Chicago @ 8 PM
9/9 - Zanies Comedy Club @ 8:30 PM
9/12 - Shenannigans @ 7 PM
9/13 - Reggie’s @ 12 AM
9/19 - Improv Comedy Club in Schaumburg @ 8 PM
9/26-9/28 - Up Comedy Club opening for Carmen Lynch @ 8 & 10 PM
 

publicshaming:

Today is the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. It was on this day, 50 years ago, Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous “I had a dream…” speech.

As you can assume, being that this is *of course* a post-racial America, the American people commemorated this…

Summer Lovin’

It’s halfway through the summer. You’ve been texting that girl you bought the whiskey-vodka-redbull shot for at O’McGallohan’s for a while/you’ve been chatting up that guy with the business degree who always talks about finances and financing and accounts and accounting or how he wants to show you his loft. You’re wondering if this is it. Have you found the person you’re going to settle down with and live a stable, comfortable life full of staged engagement photos to show your friends back home in Small Town, USA. Well here are 3 simple rules to follow before you embark on that quest of asking the age old awkward question of “soooo, what are we?”

  1. There is NO cuffing in the summer time
     The summer is reserved for fun and exploration. This is a time to meet people and learn about yourself. If you’re already in a relationship then you’re fine, it’s special but if May/June/July rolls around and you’re trying to get exclusive then you’re doing both parties a disservice. If someone tried to break up with you in May then you should have seen that as a sign that they want to be free for the summer. Give them that space. If you can’t then you’re lost. Like the Frank Ocean song.
    Sidenote: Ladies - If you’re dating a guy who always wants to go out for drinks on the weekends and always wants you to go with him then he’s using you as a patsy to start fights. Otherwise you’re not that attractive. If he’s not doing bro time or telling you to do girl time or just spending time at home, you’re basically his way of getting out years of wanting to fight dudes who look at his girl for too long. He’s crazy and will probably try to kill you.
    Side-side note: Any guy that slicks back his hair is usually evil. You can’t spend that much time on yourself and ever feel concern or compassion about others.
    Now you’re probably wondering when is it  appropriate to go ahead and make yourselves the real deal - end of August or early September if you last that long. This is summer camp all over again, people. Some folks gotta go back to their respective schools so you have to be ready for when that moped rides away into the sunset away from your apartment. September comes around, go ahead and start picking out the matching Halloween costumes and throw away those condoms. You guys are about to enter baby making season.


  2. The Friend Factor
    You’re going to mix and mingle a bit. You’re going to meet coworkers, friends, your new enemies, all that jazz. Here’s what you need to know - if he/she is a server, nurse, or elementary school teacher you will inevitably meet someone that they’ve hooked up with before. It’s your job not to be a Jealous Jerry. They’re with you now so don’t worry about it. The past fling is going to be the one with a gulp in their throat so you will easily be able to identify who it is. It’s now your job to be cool as a polar bear balls. Never ask about it, just be aware and be thankful they did whatever they did to screw up for you to be where you are. Now there’s going to be another character you’ll probably run into and that’s the "he’s like a brother." Here’s how “he’s like a brother” works. If a girl says, “he’s like a brother” that means they’ve known each other for a long time and bumped uglies once and it was a mistake or they laughed it off. If a guy says, “I’m like her brother” it means he’s woefully longed for her for a long time. He learned acoustic guitar so he could write a song in her honor and now that there’s a new man in her life he’s going to be insane. He’s going to try and intimidate you and do general psycho things that everyone but you has gotten used to. Let him get it out of his system and know he’ll probably die alone in a motel closet with a VHS tape and way too much heroin in his system.


  3.  Wedding Bliss
    You’re going to get invited to some weddings. Before you RSVP think of how well you know the parties, who all you know, and how fun it might be. Rich people weddings are fun (because..come on…YES! Right?! YES!). Poor people weddings are fun for the worse reasons (typically you get to see a groom in jeans and someone’s cousin is the photographer with one of those disposable wind-up cameras). Middle of the road weddings depend on who it is and what your role is. Consider this before inviting someone to be your plus one. You don’t want them thinking you’re lame based on the wedding company you keep.
    Some people probably aren’t preparing to see any rice and doves. Maybe you’re a mistress. That’s cool, I’ve got advice for you too. If you’re with a guy who is married and he says he’s going to leave his wife for you and you believe him jump in front of the nearest semi-truck. I’m going to tell you you’ll survive but only because if you believe that he’s actually going to leave his wife for you you’ll also believe that you are Colossus and can survive the wrath of an 18-wheeler. You’ve entered your own Lifetime movie.
    "But he said he loves me." Yeah, cause you do gross butt stuff his wife doesn’t do.
    "But…I love him!" Yeah, because it’s an ego boost. The idea of I took this or this is mine now is fulfilling to some and you won’t want to give that up. If he’s got his steak and potatoes every day he’s going to get tired of it and will go to you for dessert. He’ll say anything he needs to say to keep you around and eating his ass like a birthday cake (*winks to people who have heard that joke. Shouts out upcoming shows. Kisses fingers, bows, and leaves to applause*). 

Hope you enjoyed, soak all that in, and remember I’ll never steer you wrong.

Upcoming Shows: 
Wednesday, July 17 - hosting Comedians You Should Know at 9 PM
Thursday, July 18 - You, Me, Them, Everybody Live at Hungry Brain at 9 PM
Saturday, July 20 - 2 Hour Comedy Hour at Gallery Cabaret at 7 PM
Wednesday, July 24 - Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria, IL at 8 PM
 

invisiblelad:

thinksquad:

More and more children being arrested for trivial things… 
#1 At one public school down in Texas, a 12-year-old girl named Sarah Bustamantes was recently arrested for spraying herself with perfume.
#2 A 13-year-old student at a school in Albuquerque, New Mexico was recently arrested by police for burping in class.
#3 Another student down in Albuquerque was forced to strip down to his underwear while five adults watched because he had $200 in his pocket. The student was never formally charged with doing anything wrong.
#4 A security guard at one school in California broke the arm of a 16-year-old girl because she left some crumbs on the floor after cleaning up some cake that she had spilled.
#5 One teenage couple down in Houston poured milk on each other during a squabble while they were breaking up. Instead of being sent to see the principal, they were arrested and sent to court.
#6 In early 2010, a 12-year-old girl at a school in Forest Hills, New York was arrested by police and marched out of her school in handcuffs just because she doodled on her desk. “I love my friends Abby and Faith” was what she reportedly scribbled on her desk.
#7 A 6-year-old girl down in Florida was handcuffed and sent to a mental facility after throwing temper tantrums at her elementary school.
#8 One student down in Texas was reportedly arrested by police for throwing paper airplanes in class.
#9 A 17-year-old honor student in North Carolina named Ashley Smithwick accidentally took her father’s lunch with her to school. It contained a small paring knife which he would use to slice up apples. So what happened to this standout student when the school discovered this? The school suspended her for the rest of the year and the police charged her with a misdemeanor.
#10 In Allentown, Pennsylvania a 14-year-old girl was tasered in the groin area by a school security officer even though she had put up her hands in the air to surrender.
#11 Down in Florida, an 11-year-old student was arrested, thrown in jail and charged with a third-degree felony for bringing a plastic butter knife to school.
#12 Back in 2009, an 8-year-old boy in Massachusetts was sent home from school and was forced to undergo a psychological evaluation because he drew a picture of Jesus on the cross.
#13 A police officer in San Mateo, California blasted a 7-year-old special education student in the face with pepper spray because he would not quit climbing on the furniture.
#14 In America today, even 5-year-old children are treated brutally by police. The following is from a recent article that described what happened to one very young student in Stockton, California a while back….
“Earlier this year, a Stockton student was handcuffed with zip ties on his hands and feet, forced to go to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation and was charged with battery on a police officer. That student was 5 years old”.
#15 At one school in Connecticut, a 17-year-old boy was thrown to the floor and tasered five times because he was yelling at a cafeteria worker.
#16 A teenager in suburban Dallas was forced to take on a part-time job after being ticketed for using foul language in one high school classroom. The original ticket was for $340, but additional fees have raised the total bill to $637.
#17 A few months ago, police were called out when a little girl kissed a little boy during a physical education class at an elementary school down in Florida.
#18 A 6-year-old boy was recently charged with sexual battery for some “inappropriate touching” during a game of tag at one elementary school in the San Francisco area.
#19 In Massachusetts, police were recently sent out to collect an overdue library book from a 5-year-old girl.
HERE ARE THE LINKS FOR THOSE WHO FEEL THIS PAGE MADE ALL THIS UP:
http://www.hispanicallyspeakingnews.com/latino-daily-news/details/texas-student-sarah-bustamantes-12-arrested-for-spraying-perfume/13250/
http://abcnews.go.com/m/blogEntry?id=15077292
Check out this video on YouTube:http://youtu.be/wk2b_twCCdw
http://m.guardiannews.com/world/2012/jan/09/texas-police-schools?cat=world& type=article
http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/02/18/new.york.doodle.arrest/index.html?hpt=C1
http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2010/feb/11/port-st-lucie-schools-confines-6-year-old-with/
http://m.guardiannews.com/world/2012/jan/09/texas-police-schools?cat=world& type=article
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/12/29/nc-high-school-senior-suspended-charged-possesion-small-knife-lunchbox/#
http://www.eagleforum.org/educate/2009/june09/zero-tolerance-states.html
http://m.tauntongazette.com/wkdTGazette/pm_/contentdetail.htm?contentguid
http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/San-Mateo-pays-family-of-boy-pepper-sprayed-by-cop-2384518.php
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/cops-called-for-school-kiss-657831
http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2012/01/27/hercules-family-battles-playground-sex-assault-claim-against-6-year-old/
http://boston.cbslocal.com/2012/01/02/charlton-library-sends-police-to-collect-overdue-books-from-5-year-old/

If you were wondering how we as a society could breed our future serial murderers, sociopaths, and all around criminals it’s by giving them police records at the age of six. We’re doing it, America!

invisiblelad:

thinksquad:

More and more children being arrested for trivial things…

#1 At one public school down in Texas, a 12-year-old girl named Sarah Bustamantes was recently arrested for spraying herself with perfume.

#2 A 13-year-old student at a school in Albuquerque, New Mexico was recently arrested by police for burping in class.

#3 Another student down in Albuquerque was forced to strip down to his underwear while five adults watched because he had $200 in his pocket. The student was never formally charged with doing anything wrong.

#4 A security guard at one school in California broke the arm of a 16-year-old girl because she left some crumbs on the floor after cleaning up some cake that she had spilled.

#5 One teenage couple down in Houston poured milk on each other during a squabble while they were breaking up. Instead of being sent to see the principal, they were arrested and sent to court.

#6 In early 2010, a 12-year-old girl at a school in Forest Hills, New York was arrested by police and marched out of her school in handcuffs just because she doodled on her desk. “I love my friends Abby and Faith” was what she reportedly scribbled on her desk.

#7 A 6-year-old girl down in Florida was handcuffed and sent to a mental facility after throwing temper tantrums at her elementary school.

#8 One student down in Texas was reportedly arrested by police for throwing paper airplanes in class.

#9 A 17-year-old honor student in North Carolina named Ashley Smithwick accidentally took her father’s lunch with her to school. It contained a small paring knife which he would use to slice up apples. So what happened to this standout student when the school discovered this? The school suspended her for the rest of the year and the police charged her with a misdemeanor.

#10 In Allentown, Pennsylvania a 14-year-old girl was tasered in the groin area by a school security officer even though she had put up her hands in the air to surrender.

#11 Down in Florida, an 11-year-old student was arrested, thrown in jail and charged with a third-degree felony for bringing a plastic butter knife to school.

#12 Back in 2009, an 8-year-old boy in Massachusetts was sent home from school and was forced to undergo a psychological evaluation because he drew a picture of Jesus on the cross.

#13 A police officer in San Mateo, California blasted a 7-year-old special education student in the face with pepper spray because he would not quit climbing on the furniture.

#14 In America today, even 5-year-old children are treated brutally by police. The following is from a recent article that described what happened to one very young student in Stockton, California a while back….

“Earlier this year, a Stockton student was handcuffed with zip ties on his hands and feet, forced to go to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation and was charged with battery on a police officer. That student was 5 years old”.

#15 At one school in Connecticut, a 17-year-old boy was thrown to the floor and tasered five times because he was yelling at a cafeteria worker.

#16 A teenager in suburban Dallas was forced to take on a part-time job after being ticketed for using foul language in one high school classroom. The original ticket was for $340, but additional fees have raised the total bill to $637.

#17 A few months ago, police were called out when a little girl kissed a little boy during a physical education class at an elementary school down in Florida.

#18 A 6-year-old boy was recently charged with sexual battery for some “inappropriate touching” during a game of tag at one elementary school in the San Francisco area.

#19 In Massachusetts, police were recently sent out to collect an overdue library book from a 5-year-old girl.

HERE ARE THE LINKS FOR THOSE WHO FEEL THIS PAGE MADE ALL THIS UP:

http://www.hispanicallyspeakingnews.com/latino-daily-news/details/texas-student-sarah-bustamantes-12-arrested-for-spraying-perfume/13250/

http://abcnews.go.com/m/blogEntry?id=15077292

Check out this video on YouTube:http://youtu.be/wk2b_twCCdw

http://m.guardiannews.com/world/2012/jan/09/texas-police-schools?cat=world& type=article

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/02/18/new.york.doodle.arrest/index.html?hpt=C1

http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2010/feb/11/port-st-lucie-schools-confines-6-year-old-with/

http://m.guardiannews.com/world/2012/jan/09/texas-police-schools?cat=world& type=article

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/12/29/nc-high-school-senior-suspended-charged-possesion-small-knife-lunchbox/#

http://www.eagleforum.org/educate/2009/june09/zero-tolerance-states.html

http://m.tauntongazette.com/wkdTGazette/pm_/contentdetail.htm?contentguid

http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/San-Mateo-pays-family-of-boy-pepper-sprayed-by-cop-2384518.php

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/cops-called-for-school-kiss-657831

http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2012/01/27/hercules-family-battles-playground-sex-assault-claim-against-6-year-old/

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2012/01/02/charlton-library-sends-police-to-collect-overdue-books-from-5-year-old/

If you were wondering how we as a society could breed our future serial murderers, sociopaths, and all around criminals it’s by giving them police records at the age of six. We’re doing it, America!

How Feminist Are Killing Feminism

Feminism as a whole is described as an ideology of establishing and defending equal rights for women. Somewhere in the time between the work of Virginia Woolf and the show “Girls” coming into fruition the defense of equal rights have fizzled into blog posts or tweet from a woman in her 20’s who is upset over something a comedian said.
Where are the battles for pay equality? Where are the open discussions about stopping female genital mutilation in Africa? When was the last time you donated to a battered women’s shelter or donated your time to rape victim help centers? Has anyone tried to help out the women of Afghanistan or at the very least told a 13 year old girl she looked pretty? Anything outside of reposting an article read on jezebel on how someone was offended about something. Recently I read an article about how various female celebrities don’t feel comfortable identifying themselves as feminists because of the negative connotations that come with the word. (http://www.salon.com/2013/04/06/im_not_a_feminist_but/?source=newsletter) Naturally, this upset many feminists. Not because of the reasoning that they weren’t associating their names as feminists, but because they were powerful amongst the world’s media and social market and not identifying themselves as feminists. This is the sort of like if white supremacists were angry at famous Caucasian men for not being white supremacists; “But you were so convincing, Edward Norton!”
This is not to say I don’t support feminist, their values, or strong women. I love the women in my life in every frame and I’m inspired by what they’ve done. What feminism has devolved to is women who aren’t doing anything for social change except being outspoken on issues that make themselves seem overly sensitive. The problem here isn’t in the sensitivity- if you’re offended by something, that’s your right- it’s in the fact that you portray yourself as the voice of the movement and speak on behalf of the entire movement as a whole for a matter that has very little barrings. For example- Christians aren’t bad people. The Westboro Baptist Church picketing funerals and claiming they’re Christian is doing a bad thing. The majority sees the outspoken instead of the whole, therefor the whole looks crazy because of the smaller sum. Now that’s comparing apples and oranges, here’s a more specific and personal example:
I’m a part of a comedy rap group called Mar’son and the FYF Crew. It’s stupidity for the sake of satire and one of those things that once you understand what’s going on, you’re in on the joke (ie: songs about bath salts, smelling vaginas, the overuse of the n-word, and our hypeman having a hypeman). There are people who don’t get it, which is fine because not all comedy is for everybody. On Friday, April 26th we performed a show at a bar in Chicago. Our opening song is called “Birthday” where the chorus is “Happy Birthday, we trying to f**k.” During this song we get a female volunteer. On this night, the girl sat and danced through all 3 minutes and 53 seconds of the song. No one held her down, touched her, or called her anything explicit. She goes back into the audience and we do the remaining 15 minutes of our set. As soon as we’re off she bumrushes the stage and yells to the audience, “What they did is not OK. That song glorifies rape culture, sexual harassment, and misogyny.” The girl was heckled and booed. We had an open forum discussion outside where we listened to her threaten to sue us and explain how she didn’t find the song funny (but did say she was a big fan of the show “Girls” which…kind of shows you her perspective in comedy). The performance as a whole was enjoyed by the majority of the audience, many of which were outside during the discussion and pretty much all had turned on her because of her way of handling the situation. The song never says “we’re going to f**k you” or “we don’t care what you say, this f**king is going to happen” thus throwing out her rape culture theory. The simple statement of “we’re trying to f**k” implies a hopefulness which was in actuality demonstrated by her (assumed) boyfriend who defended her outspokenness to the rest of the group while he smirked when we pointed out what makes the song a joke. The point is the way the situation was handled made her look worse to the broader audience because she seemed angry, spiteful, and overly-sensitive.
Within this new generation, topics dealing with sex are eggshell walks. I’ve seen how many male comedians are ostracized due to the content of material that most female comedians would get praised for. Comedy used to be about if a joke is funny or not funny. No one looked too deep into Eddie Murphy’s “Raw”. It was risque, but people of different colors, genders, and sexual orientations laughed and he got millions of dollars. There is more of a social awareness now which is a good and bad thing. It’s good because we all have a voice to talk about any issues. It’s bad because we ALL have a voice to talk about any issues. Liberalism has become telling people what they can’t say because of who it might offend. The job of a comedian is to point out what makes everything silly. No matter what, somebody is going to be the butt of a joke. A fellow comedian and friend of mine pointed out how this happens from the time we’re able to talk. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” To get to the other side. It’s the clear answer. You’re made to be the dumb one. You’re the butt of that joke. But when you hit a certain age you don’t want to look stupid so instead you take point out the fallacies of the joke instead of taking it as a joke. In the context of feminism, has being able to laugh become the enemy? Has being able to all openly talk about sex become the issues? Or is it the concept of “slut shaming”?
Calling someone who is slutty a slut is not a bad thing. Telling someone who is slutty that being a slut is bad is a bad thing. The double standard in sexual culture is based on the two roles of the genders. A man is (typically/socially speaking) not celebrated by women when he sleeps with multiple girls, but his male peers will congratulate him on his deeds. A woman is (typically/socially speaking) not celebrated by men when she sleeps with multiple guys, and her female peers will label her with negative views based on her actions. The same can be said regarding body image. Within many of the discussions regarding how women should look and how they should love their curves and figures it often times deteriorates into cutting remarks about skinny girls or girls with boobs jobs. How is that fighting for your cause?
Empower women. Help women. Embrace women. But the more the outspoken yet under-active feminists try to tear down comedian’s jokes about their exes or Taylor Swift’s lyrics because she “sings too much about boys” the more harm they’re doing to anything those set before them have built.