#tbt when I finally accepted my role as “the black friend” in high school. #varsityblues #scream2 #shesallthat #rugratsallgrownup #thenme #thatshirtisinaChristianrockband
#tbt We made it. #graduation #5yearsold #youngstunna #startedfromthebottom #thiswillbeanalbumcoveroneday #somebodyputthisonatshirt #lookingatyou @bareandhatchet
You know how some people seem to complain or have issues but never do anything to fix them or make the situations better? Here they are explained by a cartoon.
#tbt My dad called me Bucket head and now I kinda see why. #sweatergang #killingitinturtlenecks #ToddlerTheoHuxtable
Thanks! And yes. Fun fact Ubuntu means “to be human”.
does this mean we’re together now
Just hold on…
Farty Marty: by far the best stand up comedian currently in the business.
High accolades for my good friend Farty Marty.
Autumn is approaching and it’s about to start getting colder so you want someone to cuddle up to. You’re dusting off the OK Cupid profile hoping to find someone to wear matching Scooby Doo costumes with you by Halloween or you’re hitting up the club just to be embraced by a guy named Gino who only communicates via blue tooth.
Sweaters are being put on and cuffing season is officially back in full swing. There are a few things to know though going in so you’ll have a lasting relationship and not be the guy/girl who only gets hit up at 3 AM every other Friday.
- DON’T put her on a pedestal
Remember the story “Everybody Poops”? Same thing applies for relationships. That girl you exchanged numbers with may be awesome but she’s still human. She’s had some questionable c*cks in her mouth. She’s smoked cigarettes with toddlers present. She’s made a sex tape with the roadie for Staind. Whatever. Just know everybody has a past and not everyone lives a picket fences lifestyle. That’s OK. Respect that history because it led to where you are today. And you know you hit that hobo with your car while drunk driving, you’re not perfect either.
- DON’T gas yourself up
You’re not that special. You’re unique because you’re the only you. Be that. You’re probably not the richest. You’re probably not the biggest. You’re probably not the first. But your significant other chose to be with you for a reason. Be that reason, don’t worry about the other stuff.
- DON’T look for anything you don’t want to know
Curiosity killed the cat and can kill the relationship. If your s/o is acting weird and you’re curious why then ask. That doesn’t help all the time though because people have this ability to do this thing called “lying”. Just know if you plan to snoop through texts you should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. We all have our trust issues, that’s why Drake is a thing.
- You’re taking on a project
People aren’t robots. You can’t program them into the way you want. Relationships are two individuals coming together to try their best whilst also having mediocre sex once a week. It’s OK not to like all of the same things. Have you met a dude who likes EVERYTHING his girlfriend likes? They have a freezer full of human toes. Your project isn’t going to be perfect. Be happy with what you got. Some things will change, some things won’t. We’re all stubborn and set in our ways to some extent. Embrace it, try your best to deal with it, attempt to fix it, or get out.
- Remember everything, read into nothing
Not everything your s/o says has value or meaning. Some stories and characters in their life are just that. Parts of history that has molded him/her to who they are now. Remember it so you’ll know that’s why they do some of the stuff they do. People who have been cheated on will be a little more insecure. People who spent long amounts of time being single will need space sometimes. Keep it in the back of your brain but don’t add more to it than there should be.
- STOP WORRYING ABOUT BODY COUNT
Sex is great, right? You like experiencing it. You did it before you met your hucklebuck unless you were a boring ass person. Well, they did too. They probably did a lot of weird butt stuff while getting tied up to horses. We all have different experiences in our 20’s. Are they clean and regularly go to the clinic? Then that’s what matters. Don’t let the body count hurt your relationship unless you’re getting a burning sensation below. Plus, now you have a sweet foot chokehold move to add to your repertoire.
- NEVER fully listen to their friends
They are HER friends first. They are there to make her look good to keep her happy or themselves happy. They will give you good advice because they know her well but they’re also there to protect her so think of talking to friends like Miranda Rights - anything you say can and will be used in the court of love (turns and winks at the camera).
- Recognize if you’re in love or in love with the idea of a person
You know those movies where the nerdy guy pines after his dream cheerleader and finally gets her and realizes she’s a bad person? That happens in real life too! We all have an image built up in our head of an ideal mate and sometimes you get that but fail to recognize that the person isn’t good for you. Don’t stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship simply because you think it’s what society has picked for you. That’s how you get a posthumous Lifetime movie made about you.
Well, hope you all enjoyed this read and your sitting-by-the-fireplace relationship is a little better now because of it. I expect wedding invites. I won’t come, but I like knowing I’m thought of.
Follow me on twitter - @martinMmorrow and check out these upcoming shows I’m performing in:
9/6, 9/13, & 9/20 (sketch) - Mutiny on the Short Bus @ 9 PM in Donny’s Skybox Theater at Second City
9/7 - Laugh Factory Chicago @ 8 PM
9/9 - Zanies Comedy Club @ 8:30 PM
9/12 - Shenannigans @ 7 PM
9/13 - Reggie’s @ 12 AM
9/19 - Improv Comedy Club in Schaumburg @ 8 PM
9/26-9/28 - Up Comedy Club opening for Carmen Lynch @ 8 & 10 PM
Today is the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. It was on this day, 50 years ago, Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous “I had a dream…” speech.
As you can assume, being that this is *of course* a post-racial America, the American people commemorated this…
It’s halfway through the summer. You’ve been texting that girl you bought the whiskey-vodka-redbull shot for at O’McGallohan’s for a while/you’ve been chatting up that guy with the business degree who always talks about finances and financing and accounts and accounting or how he wants to show you his loft. You’re wondering if this is it. Have you found the person you’re going to settle down with and live a stable, comfortable life full of staged engagement photos to show your friends back home in Small Town, USA. Well here are 3 simple rules to follow before you embark on that quest of asking the age old awkward question of “soooo, what are we?”
- There is NO cuffing in the summer time
The summer is reserved for fun and exploration. This is a time to meet people and learn about yourself. If you’re already in a relationship then you’re fine, it’s special but if May/June/July rolls around and you’re trying to get exclusive then you’re doing both parties a disservice. If someone tried to break up with you in May then you should have seen that as a sign that they want to be free for the summer. Give them that space. If you can’t then you’re lost. Like the Frank Ocean song.
Sidenote: Ladies - If you’re dating a guy who always wants to go out for drinks on the weekends and always wants you to go with him then he’s using you as a patsy to start fights. Otherwise you’re not that attractive. If he’s not doing bro time or telling you to do girl time or just spending time at home, you’re basically his way of getting out years of wanting to fight dudes who look at his girl for too long. He’s crazy and will probably try to kill you.
Side-side note: Any guy that slicks back his hair is usually evil. You can’t spend that much time on yourself and ever feel concern or compassion about others.
Now you’re probably wondering when is it appropriate to go ahead and make yourselves the real deal - end of August or early September if you last that long. This is summer camp all over again, people. Some folks gotta go back to their respective schools so you have to be ready for when that moped rides away into the sunset away from your apartment. September comes around, go ahead and start picking out the matching Halloween costumes and throw away those condoms. You guys are about to enter baby making season.
- The Friend Factor
You’re going to mix and mingle a bit. You’re going to meet coworkers, friends, your new enemies, all that jazz. Here’s what you need to know - if he/she is a server, nurse, or elementary school teacher you will inevitably meet someone that they’ve hooked up with before. It’s your job not to be a Jealous Jerry. They’re with you now so don’t worry about it. The past fling is going to be the one with a gulp in their throat so you will easily be able to identify who it is. It’s now your job to be cool as a polar bear balls. Never ask about it, just be aware and be thankful they did whatever they did to screw up for you to be where you are. Now there’s going to be another character you’ll probably run into and that’s the "he’s like a brother." Here’s how “he’s like a brother” works. If a girl says, “he’s like a brother” that means they’ve known each other for a long time and bumped uglies once and it was a mistake or they laughed it off. If a guy says, “I’m like her brother” it means he’s woefully longed for her for a long time. He learned acoustic guitar so he could write a song in her honor and now that there’s a new man in her life he’s going to be insane. He’s going to try and intimidate you and do general psycho things that everyone but you has gotten used to. Let him get it out of his system and know he’ll probably die alone in a motel closet with a VHS tape and way too much heroin in his system.
- Wedding Bliss
You’re going to get invited to some weddings. Before you RSVP think of how well you know the parties, who all you know, and how fun it might be. Rich people weddings are fun (because..come on…YES! Right?! YES!). Poor people weddings are fun for the worse reasons (typically you get to see a groom in jeans and someone’s cousin is the photographer with one of those disposable wind-up cameras). Middle of the road weddings depend on who it is and what your role is. Consider this before inviting someone to be your plus one. You don’t want them thinking you’re lame based on the wedding company you keep.
Some people probably aren’t preparing to see any rice and doves. Maybe you’re a mistress. That’s cool, I’ve got advice for you too. If you’re with a guy who is married and he says he’s going to leave his wife for you and you believe him jump in front of the nearest semi-truck. I’m going to tell you you’ll survive but only because if you believe that he’s actually going to leave his wife for you you’ll also believe that you are Colossus and can survive the wrath of an 18-wheeler. You’ve entered your own Lifetime movie.
"But he said he loves me." Yeah, cause you do gross butt stuff his wife doesn’t do.
"But…I love him!" Yeah, because it’s an ego boost. The idea of I took this or this is mine now is fulfilling to some and you won’t want to give that up. If he’s got his steak and potatoes every day he’s going to get tired of it and will go to you for dessert. He’ll say anything he needs to say to keep you around and eating his ass like a birthday cake (*winks to people who have heard that joke. Shouts out upcoming shows. Kisses fingers, bows, and leaves to applause*).
Hope you enjoyed, soak all that in, and remember I’ll never steer you wrong.
Wednesday, July 17 - hosting Comedians You Should Know at 9 PM
Thursday, July 18 - You, Me, Them, Everybody Live at Hungry Brain at 9 PM
Saturday, July 20 - 2 Hour Comedy Hour at Gallery Cabaret at 7 PM
Wednesday, July 24 - Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria, IL at 8 PM