The Cadillac of Manliness
Life Improving Advice

Think of the person you find the most attractive in the world. The ultimate crush. Your heart flutters thinking about this person, your palms get sweaty, they are just gorgeous in every sense of the word…

Could be a celebrity, model, co-worker, stranger, significant other, friend, ex, whatever…

Now.

Imagine that person taking a shit.
Like a real one. Whatever texture is up to you but for this experiment the grosser the better.

Now remember they do that on average two to three times a day if they’re eating healthy.

Remember everyone is human. No matter how powerful, smart, talented, rich, or attractive we all have to go to the bathroom and squat a brown nugget out then wipe our own ass with toilet paper. Don’t put anyone on a pedestal or let anyone think they’re better than you because at the end of the day we all shit the same.

#tbt when I finally accepted my role as “the black friend” in high school. #varsityblues #scream2 #shesallthat #rugratsallgrownup #thenme #thatshirtisinaChristianrockband

#tbt when I finally accepted my role as “the black friend” in high school. #varsityblues #scream2 #shesallthat #rugratsallgrownup #thenme #thatshirtisinaChristianrockband

#tbt We made it. #graduation #5yearsold #youngstunna #startedfromthebottom #thiswillbeanalbumcoveroneday #somebodyputthisonatshirt #lookingatyou @bareandhatchet

#tbt We made it. #graduation #5yearsold #youngstunna #startedfromthebottom #thiswillbeanalbumcoveroneday #somebodyputthisonatshirt #lookingatyou @bareandhatchet

You know how some people seem to complain or have issues but never do anything to fix them or make the situations better? Here they are explained by a cartoon.

#tbt My dad called me Bucket head and now I kinda see why. #sweatergang #killingitinturtlenecks #ToddlerTheoHuxtable

#tbt My dad called me Bucket head and now I kinda see why. #sweatergang #killingitinturtlenecks #ToddlerTheoHuxtable

On the diamond joke, did you say "My cousin Ubuntu.."? Brilliantly ironic, my man. Your jabs are spot on!

Thanks! And yes. Fun fact Ubuntu means “to be human”.

clintisiceman:

Farty Marty: by far the best stand up comedian currently in the business.

High accolades for my good friend Farty Marty.

S.S. Cuffing Season (The Relationship)

Autumn is approaching and it’s about to start getting colder so you want someone to cuddle up to. You’re dusting off the OK Cupid profile hoping to find someone to wear matching Scooby Doo costumes with you by Halloween or you’re hitting up the club just to be embraced by a guy named Gino who only communicates via blue tooth.
Sweaters are being put on and cuffing season is officially back in full swing. There are a few things to know though going in so you’ll have a lasting relationship and not be the guy/girl who only gets hit up at 3 AM every other Friday.

- DON’T put her on a pedestal 
Remember the story “Everybody Poops”? Same thing applies for relationships. That girl you exchanged numbers with may be awesome but she’s still human. She’s had some questionable c*cks in her mouth. She’s smoked cigarettes with toddlers present. She’s made a sex tape with the roadie for Staind. Whatever. Just know everybody has a past and not everyone lives a picket fences lifestyle. That’s OK. Respect that history because it led to where you are today. And you know you hit that hobo with your car while drunk driving, you’re not perfect either.

DON’T gas yourself up
You’re not that special. You’re unique because you’re the only you. Be that. You’re probably not the richest. You’re probably not the biggest. You’re probably not the first. But your significant other chose to be with you for a reason. Be that reason, don’t worry about the other stuff.

DON’T look for anything you don’t want to know
Curiosity killed the cat and can kill the relationship. If your s/o is acting weird and you’re curious why then ask. That doesn’t help all the time though because people have this ability to do this thing called “lying”. Just know if you plan to snoop through texts you should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. We all have our trust issues, that’s why Drake is a thing.

You’re taking on a project
People aren’t robots. You can’t program them into the way you want. Relationships are two individuals coming together to try their best whilst also having mediocre sex once a week. It’s OK not to like all of the same things. Have you met a dude who likes EVERYTHING his girlfriend likes? They have a freezer full of human toes. Your project isn’t going to be perfect. Be happy with what you got. Some things will change, some things won’t. We’re all stubborn and set in our ways to some extent. Embrace it, try your best to deal with it, attempt to fix it, or get out.

Remember everything, read into nothing
Not everything your s/o says has value or meaning. Some stories and characters in their life are just that. Parts of history that has molded him/her to who they are now. Remember it so you’ll know that’s why they do some of the stuff they do. People who have been cheated on will be a little more insecure. People who spent long amounts of time being single will need space sometimes. Keep it in the back of your brain but don’t add more to it than there should be.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT BODY COUNT
Sex is great, right? You like experiencing it. You did it before you met your hucklebuck unless you were a boring ass person. Well, they did too. They probably did a lot of weird butt stuff while getting tied up to horses. We all have different experiences in our 20’s. Are they clean and regularly go to the clinic? Then that’s what matters. Don’t let the body count hurt your relationship unless you’re getting a burning sensation below. Plus, now you have a sweet foot chokehold move to add to your repertoire. 

NEVER fully listen to their friends
They are HER friends first. They are there to make her look good to keep her happy or themselves happy. They will give you good advice because they know her well but they’re also there to protect her so think of talking to friends like Miranda Rights - anything you say can and will be used in the court of love (turns and winks at the camera). 

Recognize if you’re in love or in love with the idea of a person
You know those movies where the nerdy guy pines after his dream cheerleader and finally gets her and realizes she’s a bad person? That happens in real life too! We all have an image built up in our head of an ideal mate and sometimes you get that but fail to recognize that the person isn’t good for you. Don’t stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship simply because you think it’s what society has picked for you. That’s how you get a posthumous Lifetime movie made about you.

Well, hope you all enjoyed this read and your sitting-by-the-fireplace relationship is a little better now because of it. I expect wedding invites. I won’t come, but I like knowing I’m thought of.

Follow me on twitter - @martinMmorrow and check out these upcoming shows I’m performing in:
9/6, 9/13, & 9/20 (sketch) - Mutiny on the Short Bus @ 9 PM in Donny’s Skybox Theater at Second City
9/7 - Laugh Factory Chicago @ 8 PM
9/9 - Zanies Comedy Club @ 8:30 PM
9/12 - Shenannigans @ 7 PM
9/13 - Reggie’s @ 12 AM
9/19 - Improv Comedy Club in Schaumburg @ 8 PM
9/26-9/28 - Up Comedy Club opening for Carmen Lynch @ 8 & 10 PM
 

publicshaming:

Today is the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. It was on this day, 50 years ago, Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous “I had a dream…” speech.

As you can assume, being that this is *of course* a post-racial America, the American people commemorated this…